Chosen of the Slain
by SageQueen
Summary: Between Mass Effect 1 and 2, the Valkyrie is caught between duty, honor, love and...well, death. Meanwhile, Cerberus - curse them! - begins evil plotting. Bioware owns all. This is Part 2 of 'Valkyrie' Shepard's tale. Shenko, so expect angst with Kaidan.
1. The End

**Chosen of the Slain**

(Valkyrie, Part 2)

* * *

_**Author's Introduction:**_

Thank you to all the awesome folks who've read, reviewed, and supported my fan fic.

This is the 2nd story in an ongoing fan fiction about Lieutenant Commander Sophia (Kyrie) "Valkyrie" Shepard. The reason for the long name, plus many other aspects of her history and imperfectly paragon character are set up in the first volume, Valkyrie (which follows Mass Effect 1). The story then continues here, and goes on in Valhalla (which covers Mass Effect 2).

**This story is the angsty one - broken up by moments of romance, smut, and occasional Cerberus plotting.**

Much thanks to the KAST (Kaidan Alenko Support Thread) for inspiration and encouragement. BioWare owns Mass Effect and all aspects relating thereto. They made the sad stuff happen. I just tried to make sense of it in my fic.

-sage

* * *

_Chapter 1_

_(begins at the end)_

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* * *

_

Kaidan hadn't felt a thing.

He had always assumed that when Shepard died, he would feel it at once.

It wasn't something he had thought about, exactly. It was just that from the moment he met her, he had felt her biotic energy like a subtle electric fire. Whenever she was near, he could somehow sense her presence, her energy. And as he rarely left her side during the course of their missions, that meant he could feel her with him almost all of the time.

There had been two times he'd felt her energy falter, two times he'd thought she'd died. One was when she had touched a strange beacon on Eden Prime. The beacon had sent her into a coma for hours. It had also given her visions that told her about the Reapers, ancient sentient machines set on destroying all life in the galaxy. Then, at the battle of the Citadel, Shepard had stopped said Reaper and had nearly died in the resulting blast.

Both times, Kaidan had sensed that she was departing as her frequency dimmed. Both times, he'd been dizzy with relief when she had come back to him safely.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kaidan had assumed that if ever something _were _to happen to Shepard, that he would know right away. And along with that unspoken, unacknowledged assumption was the hope that if ever he were to lose her, it would be ages from now, after many, many years together.

But the end had come too soon.

He'd felt the first blast like a punch to the gut. Fires broke out everywhere along the ship and people ran for the escape pods. Kaidan had run to find Shepard, following that strange, biotic link that seemed to tie him to her. She had been on the crew deck, sending out a distress call. She had also been putting out fires and making sure that everyone, even their stubborn helmsman, left the ship. As usual, she was setting everyone else's safety above her own.

Kaidan had insisted that he would not leave her side. But she told him to get the crew onto the escape pods. She made it an order. Kaidan had hesitated, but he did as she asked. And at the time, he did not think of it as a mistake. After all, a woman so full of authority and power, a woman who had lived through some of the craziest situations that the galaxy had to throw at her and laughed about it later, well, she couldn't possibly meet her end in something as simple as an attack on her ship.

But she had.

And Kaidan hadn't felt a thing.

Instead, he had seen it. He had been looking out of the escape pod window, watching, to his horror, as the strange ship, the one that looked like rock laced with wire, had come around again and shot through the Normandy with beams of pure fire. The Normandy exploded. The last pod had shot away. Kaidan's heart was pounding.

Then Joker's voice came over the radio, the comm link between all the pods. The helmsman had screamed just one thing:

_Shepard!_

There was a long, horrible silence as everyone who had escaped the blast realized what had happened. In that moment, the strange ship disappeared as suddenly as it had arrived. Then, finally, someone radioed Joker to demand to know what happened. It had sounded like Garrus. But Joker had been stunned to silence. He hadn't spoken for a full minute until several voices shouted at him to tell them where Shepard was. Joker finally spoke: Shepard had closed the lock to his shuttle, gotten him out safely.

Then she'd gone down with the ship.

Several people in Kaidan's escape pod looked at him nervously. Behind his breather mask, he could feel tears running down his face, but he didn't speak, didn't even move. He was completely numb. It was as if the world had just stopped, frozen in orbit, and he'd gone flying off into the atmosphere, into a place where there was no sight, no sound, no gravity, just – nothing. He was floating, floating like the escape pod they were in, surrounded by vacuum and darkness.

Shepard was dead.

And Kaidan didn't feel a thing.


	2. Flashback: Secret

_Chapter 2_

_(flashback: almost two weeks into the mission to clean up pockets of geth resistance, about one month after the Battle of the Citadel; two weeks prior to the Citadel awards ceremony)_

_(Author's Note: Did I warn you that Part 2 of Valkyrie has more smut than the first? No? Well, it does.)_

_

* * *

_

"Oh, God," Kaidan sighed, resting his head against Shepard's chest. He breathed in, the smell of their sweat so intoxicating. He felt the biotic energy still flowing through them, all around them. Shepard rested her cheek on his head and wrapped her arms around him.

"You said it," her voice warm and low. "But then, you always did have a way with words, Alenko."

He chuckled and took another deep breath. Their biotic barriers were dimming now, leaving the room in semi-darkness. He pressed his hands to the wall behind her and pulled away from her a little to look down at her face.

She was half-sitting on the edge of her narrow desk, her legs wrapped around his waist. Her hair was a mess: she looked up at him from between the locks and smiled.

"Oh," she started, pulling away from the wall behind her, "That's cold all of a sudden."

He pulled her to a standing position and wrapped his arms around her. "You're cold?"

"When the biotics wear off, it does get a little chilly."

He chuckled. "We get pretty hot, huh?"

"In more ways that one," she agreed with a smile. Kaidan returned it.

"Things get a little out of control when you're around, Shepard."

"Admit it," she said. "You like that about me."

"I admit it," he confessed. He grinned at her, then turned to glance around the room. The place was a mess. Their clothes were trailed from the door all the way to the desk, the chairs tipped over and a lamp lying on the floor. The only thing that was still neat was Shepard's perfectly made bed. They hadn't gotten quite that far in their haste. The sight of the door suddenly made him remember what lay beyond it: a ship full of people – and duties and responsibilities - not to mention the promises he'd made to himself...

The sight made him suddenly frown.

"Hey," Shepard said, cocking her head and looking at him in concern. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing," he said, tucking a hair behind her ear.

"Kaidan," she said, watching him closely, "I didn't mean for us..." She broke off, her brows drawing together. "I don't want you to be my dirty secret. You know that, right?"

He said nothing, but his face darkened.

"Kaidan..." she began.

"I really ought to..."

"Go?" she said, softly. There was no need to be quiet, she knew. The walls here were thick and the engine hum added to the privacy. Still, a sense of growing sadness led her to speak low.

"Yeah," he said, regretfully. "I have the evening shift at the helm tonight."

"Right," she said, trying not to frown. She failed.

"Shepard, you know I..." He looked up at her, his eyes uncertain, "You know I want to..."

"I know," she sighed. "I do." Kaidan looked at her a moment, then pulled away.

"Hey," she said. "Talk to me, here."

"There's nothing to say." He scowled as he reached for his undershorts.

"Hey, look at me, Kaidan." She took a step forward and reached for him. He caught her hand and turned it over to press a kiss to the inside of her wrist. The gentle gesture, especially following the rather aggressive sex they'd just shared, gave her a sharp, bittersweet pang of longing.

"Kaidan..." she murmured.

"I know," he said, dropping her hand and pulling his shorts on. "Really, I know. But you know that I can't stay here tonight. Hell, I just hope I haven't been gone long enough to be missed."

"Yeah, I know." She frowned and suddenly felt very naked. Well, she _was_ very naked. Shepard reached into her closet and pulled out a towel.

"Going to take a shower?" Kaidan asked her, eyebrow raised.

"I'm gonna need it," she admitted. "This just...isn't enough."

"You didn't...enjoy that?" he frowned.

"No, I did. Kaidan, come on, you know I did. I just want more of you than...this."

"Than this what?"

"Than this...sneaking around. How long has it been since that two day leave? How long have we been keeping apart, pretending we're just officers, just friends?"

"One week, six days and seven hours," Kaidan replied automatically.

Her eyes widened. "No shit. Did you just...?"

"I'm good with numbers," he shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess." She paused, then ran a hand through her hair. "I remember what we said. We can't send the message that we think fraternization is okay – that the rules don't apply to us. That's wrong and unfair."

"And yet, here we are, being wrong and unfair," he said, bitterly.

"Hey, you were the one who suggested working out in the cargo hold to keep our biotic skills sharp." she said, growing defensive.

"I just wanted to tell you that I think it's more effective to pull a target towards you if you're going to shoot at it than to throw them up into the air to land God knows where."

"Well, you were doing a hell of a lot more than telling me about biotic pulls," she replied, crossing her arms over her towel to keep it in place. "More like _showing_ me biotic pulls."

"Shepard," he scowled, then yanked his pants on. "You know I didn't intend for us to end up back here."

"Didn't you?" she raised her eyebrows. "Is that why you dragged me into the elevator?"

"Look, I..." Kaidan sighed and let his arms drop. "I don't know. Shepard, I don't know what to do about this. I just want you so damn much. I see you and I want to...hold you. And I don't want to worry about who might be watching."

"I know," she said. "I feel the same."

"If this were...just sex," he said slowly, as if measuring each word, "I think it might be easier. But it's not. Not for me, anyways."

"It's not just sex for me either," she replied. "It's really good sex." When he frowned, she shook her head. "I'm joking, Kaidan. I'm trying to be funny. Obviously, I'm failing. Look, for me it's really good sex and it's...more. I care about you – so much. Damn, I don't even know what to say here. I just feel like we're figuring this out day by day."

"Yeah," he said, pulling his shirt on and reaching for his boots. "And day by day I feel like I'm going crazy."

"Would you rather be on another ship?" she asked, hating to bring it up, but feeling that she must. "I mean, I could get you transferred if you..."

"Never," he said, shaking his head. "I never want to be away from you."

"Okay, then..."

"We'll figure this out," he said, sitting down on the edge of her bed to pull on his shoes and socks. "We will. I just – wish I was stronger willed when it came to you."

"Kaidan," she said, "you're the strongest willed person I've ever met."

"Not when I comes to how I feel about you, I'm not."

"We're in a weird place," she told him. "That's what it is. We're professionals, but we've become personal. I'm your superior officer, but I think of us as equals here. We're supposed to be searching for geth, but we both know that's a crock because the Reapers are the real issue. And we were given almost no shore leave at all before being sent out on this waste-of-time mission."

"And technically, we're both under Alliance regulations about fraternization, but as you're a Specter, you don't really fall under anyone's authority. I still do, however."

"Well, so do I. I'm still Alliance – sort of."

"Yeah." He was fully dressed now, so he stood.

"Kaidan," she said reaching out a hand, but not touching him. "I want this. However we work this out I want this. I want you."

"I know, Shepard," he replied, "I just...I need to get back to work."

With a frown, he left the commander's quarters.


	3. Voices

_Chapter 3_

_(in the pods)_

Kaidan saw himself link his omnitool into the comm system for the escape pods. He saw himself reconfigure the frequency to link into the nearest comm buoy. He heard himself speak a message into the system, clear and cold as the stars that twinkled in the distance.

_This is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the SSV Normandy. We were attacked by an unknown vessel. Our commanding officers are...dead. _

He nearly faltered then, nearly came back to himself, but somehow, he disconnected from the man who was grieving, the man who was stunned, and the voice went on.

_We request immediate rescue shuttles. Approximately fifty crew members have survived. We may need medical attention for humans and non-humans._

He spoke on in that same dead voice, giving their location, their trajectory, and what little info they had on the attack. He had never been more grateful to be wearing a mask that he was now. Behind it, he could hide the man and simply become a machine.

When he had finished, Kaidan requested status reports from each of the pods.

_Dammit, Joker_. _Why the hell couldn't you follow orders?_ Garrus spoke the words that the man inside of Kaidan thought, the words that he could not bring himself to say.

_Shut the fuck up, turian! I didn't ask her to come and pull me off the ship._

_You bastard! You should have realized that she..._

_Both of you, stop_. Kaidan's voice, always somewhat soft and relaxed, had become as icy as that of the commanding officer they had just lost. There was a pause, then another voice wavered over the comm.

_Kaidan, I'm so sorry. _

Liara's voice was just too soft and teary for him to listen to.

_We don't have time to deal with that_, he'd said, willing her to stop.

_But she might be out there._ The soft voice insisted. To the man in him that was mourning, it was like a siren's song. _Joker, didn't you say she was knocked back by the blast? Perhaps she's out there, just unconcious._

_There's no way_, came the reply, _She was leaking oxygen when she went. She hit atmo in a damn jumpsuit..._

_Shut up!_ The man inside of Kaidan snapped. That man's voice came out of his mouth. There was a startled silence over the comm. Then the machine took over again.

_We can't speculate about that. Not now. We're stuck here in these pods until someone comes to get us. Once we're picked up, we can look for..._

He couldn't say it.

All this time he'd called her "Shepard" when he should never have called her by her name. In front of the crew, he'd called her "commander" and "ma'am," though the titles didn't even come close to the respect he felt for her.

And now, he simply couldn't say any of them.

He couldn't even say "bodies" or "survivors" or "the dead." Because really, what could he say? She'd been leaking oxygen and hit the atmosphere of the planet below in nothing but her armor. She was gone.

_We'll look later,_ he said.

But even as he said it, he knew there would be nothing to find.


	4. Flashback: Memorial

_Chapter 4_

_(flashback: a memorial service on the Presidium, four days following the Battle of the Citadel)_

* * *

The hymn ended, and a hush fell on the small crowd. The young woman had a beautiful voice. Shepard was amazed that Abby Williams had been able to get through the song at all. There had been tears shining in her eyes all the way through. They matched the tears in the eyes of just about everyone here.

It was a strange song, Shepard thought. The words were so absolute in their conviction, their hope, but the tune was melancholy, a dirge in a minor key. It sounded as doubtful as she felt.

The whole service had been contradictory. It had been held in an open area under the bright skies of the Presidium. Birds sang in the nearby trees and passersby looked on in curiousity. Two caskets stood on the small stage: one for Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams and one for Corporal Richard Jenkins. Both were empty.

Jenkin's body had been shipped home almost four months ago, but as there had been no time for a formal service, his passing was tacked on to Ashley's memorial. Her family hadn't seemed to mind. The Williams women sat there with determined faces, looking so much like Ashley that Shepard could scarcely stand to watch them.

The service had been simple. After Abby finished the opening hymn, Anderson had a few words to say, then Liara spoke. The asari was good with words, Shepard thought. When it was finally her turn, Shepard walked to the podium. She was still limping a little. It had only been a few days since she'd broken half her ribs.

Finding her way to the stage, she looked back at the gathering. The crew of the Normandy was here, as well as the press – she frowned at that – several salarian STG agents stood in the back, and a handful of politicians sat at the front. Shepard took a deep breath. If ever her glib tongue was needed, it was now.

"Ashley was a hell of a solider," she began. Then she winced. Less than a sentence in and already she was swearing. Her poise was clearly failing her these days. "She joined us on Eden Prime and helped us save the colony. She was a vital part of our team in our mission against Saren, the geth and the Reapers." Shepard saw some of the politicians frown at her words and wondered why.

"But mostly, Ashley was a friend and she always made everyone laugh. She was the kind of person who makes you enjoy every moment in life. On a mission that might end in death, that's a hell of a thing."

_Shit_, she thought. _Swearing again. Clean it up, Shepard._ She took a deep breath.

"At one point in our mission, we found ourselves in a dangerous situation. The details are classified, I'm afraid," she said this for the benefit of the press, and found herself glaring at them, "but in the end, we got separated from Ashley and she was left behind." No sense in explaining her own choice in the matter. The press would have enough to chew on with this story, seeing as Ashley was the granddaughter of one of the most notorious soldiers in Alliance history.

"Ashley's last words were that she didn't regret a thing. That, and she wanted us to take care of each other, just like she was always taking care of us."

Her voice cracked on the last word. Shepard could scarcely believe it. She never cried. She cleared her throat and went on.

"So thanks Ash, wherever you are, and know that we intend to do what you asked, and take care of each other."

She nodded at the crowd, then walked back to her seat amidst polite applause.

"Well said," Kaidan whispered in her ear as she sat down. "Ash would be proud."

"She'd roll her eyes at this blatant PR stunt," Shepard replied. "But sure, whatever."

There was another speech, this one from Admiral Kirrahe, describing Ashley's brave fight with him and his team. It was incredibly long-winded and Shepard found her mind wandering. She looked over at the Williams family. They were just as strong as Ashley. Tears stood in their eyes, but they every one of them had their chins lifted in the air. The service ended with a reading of Tennyson's Ulysses, and then, only then, did Shepard see tears fall. She looked away.

When at last the ceremony was done, Shepard walked over to the family. She felt she owed them an explanation, but she did not know what to say. In the end, she didn't say much at all. Ashley's mother spoke, telling Shepard how much it had meant to Ashley to serve aboard the Normandy. Shepard nodded, then cleared her throat.

"Your daughter was one of the best people I've evern known, Mrs. Williams," she said. "I'm honored to have known her."

"I was honored to have known her as well," the woman replied. She shook Shepard's hand with a directness that Shepard respected at once. Shepard shared a similar handshake with each of the woman's daughters and then, having nothing else to say, she gave them a nod and walked away.

As Shepard left the small gathering, someone fell in step beside her. She didn't even have to look up to know that it was Kaidan.

"Did you tell her..." he began, then broke off.

"That I was the one who chose to leave her daughter behind to save you?" Shepard asked, quietly "No."

"Yeah," he said, just as softly. "I suppose that's not the sort of thing one says to the mother of the deceased."

"What purpose would it have served?" Shepard asked. "I did what I had to do. Saren forced a choice on me – on us. I still think my reasons to save you were sound."

"What?" Kaidan shook his head. "Because we were..."

"Because you were the ranking officer, a medic, a biotic, and you were on my team. You were charged with protecting the bomb and you were under fire. If I had other motives, well... That's not something I'm going to tell her about. It would only upset her. I did nothing wrong and I don't need my guilt absolved, Kaidan. I'm going to miss Ash, but opening wounds over it won't help anyone."

Kaidan nodded. The steel in Shepard's voice told him all he needed to know. She missed Ashley, but she wasn't going to let anyone but him see how much – especially Ashley's family.

They walked along the white-metal boardwalk in silence. After a while, Kaidan cleared his throat.

"So, ah..." he began awkwardly. "You have a nice voice. I didn't know you could sing."

"Oh, thanks," Shepard said. "Religious upbringing. Comes with the territory. There's a lot of singing involved."

"Is that how you knew that song? No one else seemed to know it, but you were singing along."

"Was I?" she blinked. "I hadn't even noticed."

"Yeah," he frowned. "It was kind of...weird."

Shepard chuckled. "A lot of religion is," she agreed.

"I meant the song, not the...not Ash's faith."

"I know what you meant, Alenko. But sometimes they're both weird. But I think...well, I think Ash is alright, wherever she is."

"Yeah," he murmured. "I guess so. I just wish...she didn't have to go."

"Me too," Shepard replied. They both fell silent for a minute. Then Kaidan sighed.

"Well," he said, "I suppose I'd better get back to the ship."

"Why?" Shepard frowned. "We have the afternoon off."

"Well," his lips thinned into a line, "I wasn't sure if you wanted to spend time with me, ma'am. You haven't had much rest..."

"Kaidan," Shepard stopped mid-stride. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't pull away from me now. I need you, alright? I need my friend..." She broke off.

"Just a friend?" He had stopped, too, and stood looking at her uncertainly.

"No – more than a friend." She smiled a little sadly. "We became lovers, if you remember." The words sounded strange to her ears. Saying it out loud made it all seem real, not just some dream wedged in between nightmares.

"We did," Kaidan said. He looked at her steadily. "Where are you going with this, commander?"

"It's Shepard, Kaidan. It's always 'Shepard' to you." She frowned. "Look, I thought we said when we had some shore leave..."

"But we aren't going to get much shore leave. As soon as the Normandy is repaired, we'll be out looking for the Reapers and how to stop them."

"True enough." She sighed. "Can't someone else save the galaxy next time?"

He chuckled. They stood in silence for a moment, then by silent agreement walked on.

"I wish someone would," Kaidan said after a pause. "I wanted to take you to Vancouver. For shore leave, I mean."

"Vancouver?"

"Yeah," Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "My father lives there – not that you have to meet him, if you don't want to. We could just...ah... That is, I've got a buddy who works in the forest preserve nearby. He knows of this cabin – it used to be an old fire watch tower. It's up in the hills with nothing but a sea of trees around it – if you...wanted to stay there."

Shepard looked at him and smiled.

"I mean, there's hiking nearby, and fishing, too, if you fish. It's a small preserve, but there's no one around..."

"Time with just you?" she murmured softly. "I'd love it."

"It may not be for a while," Kaidan told her.

"That's alright. I'll look forward to it, then. It'll give me a reason to stop the Reapers. I need to make sure nothing happens to that cabin back on earth."

Kaidan grinned at her and Shepard returned the smile. They walked on under the bright lights of the Presidium, both in their officer's dress uniforms, both with their hands clasped tightly behind their backs. If anyone had looked out of an office window just then, they would never have guessed that there was anything between the two Alliance marines strolling through the embassies than a polite, professional acquaintance.


	5. Rescue

_Chapter 5_

_(the survivors of the Normandy crash are rescued)_

The rescue took an eternity.

It was hours before someone responded to the distress call, then several more hours before a ship arrived to collect them. In the meantime, the pods simply drifted in space, gently turning this way and that, now looking out on the wreckage of the Normandy and the cold stars beyond, now looking down at the Alchera below.

When that great, shining orb came into view, Kaidan closed his eyes behind his mask. He could not look at the icy planet that had pulled Shepard down into its orbit. He could scarcely stand to look at the worried faces of the rest of the crew.

When the rescue ships finally arrived, Kaidan directed the rescue opertaion via the comm link in his pod. He was glad to have something to occupy him. It was far better than simply floating. The work gave him ground under his feet and allowed him to walk again. Walking was better than floating.

When his pod was brought into the hold of the SSV VanGogh, Kaidan was the first of the Normandy crew to step onto the carrier. He went through the elaborate ritual of greeting the captain and asking for permission to come aboard. He acted as if on auto pilot. He turned to the medics on hand and assessed the situation in terms of injuries. He began to work down the list he'd created in his head of what needed to be done, what a commanding officer had to do to ensure the safety of the remaining crew.

The worst part was when the other pods were brought in and opened. The moment she stumbled out of the airlock, Liara tried to speak to him about Shepard. Garrus did the same. Kaidan brushed them aside, his voice cold as the planet they now left behind. He saw the hurt in their eyes, but he could not bring himself to deal with it. He had too much hurt of his own. To stop and tend their wounds would mean to open his own.

The worst moment was when Joker's pod was brought aboard – Joker's pod which should have held Shepard as well. Kaidan heard the helmsman call his name, then swear at him, cussing him out as he turned away.

Kaidan couldn't look at Joker. The helmsman had been his best friends besides Shepard on the Normandy and he simply couldn't look at him. All he could do was hold Wrex and Garrus back when the two aliens looked ready to rip Joker apart for having stayed on the ship, for having forced Shepard to go and save him.

Kaidan heard himself break up the fight, even as he didn't look into the eyes of any of the people he was speaking to. He ordered Joker to get himself to the med bay. He saw Liara and Dr. Chakwas take the helmsman away when Joker refused to go. He heard himself tell everyone else to settle in and then he went to work.

Kaidan oversaw the treatment of the injured, went up to the bridge to make a formal report to the Alliance, he sent a message to Captain Anderson as well and then went to talk to the captain of the VanGogh about where to drop off his crew. He kept creating lists in his mind of what needed to be done next and then checked the items off of his lists as efficiently as any machine. When the lists grew short, he made new ones.

And in all that time, Kaidan never took off his mask.

Behind it, he could hide his eyes, eyes he was sure were bloodshot and full of tears. If anyone could see the devastation in his face, they might mirror it back, and he would be forced to face the feelings that were roiling inside of him.

And he could not do that. He owed it to Shepard to get everyone back to safety. It was what Shepard would have wanted. It was what she had died trying to do.

It was all that he could do for her now.


	6. Flashback: The Garden

_Chapter 6_

_(flashback: the evening after Ashley's memorial service, on a quiet corner of the Presidium)_

_

* * *

_

"This way," Kaidan said.

They had been wandering for a while now. The commander and the lieutenant of the Normandy had eaten at a cafe near the shops, then walked along the sterile, white sidewalks for most of the afternoon. At first, they had talked about Ashley, about her life and her jokes, about what she would have done had she been there to see the Battle of the Citadel. In many ways, her sacrifice had turned the tide of that battle. Had there been hordes of krogan fighting for Saren that day, things might have ended far worse than they did.

After a while, the talk turned to other subjects. They talked about their training as biotics, about the mission ahead, and then, at last, to the shore leave that seemed as far off as ever.

"What would Ashley say about us going to her service in the morning and planning shore leave in the evening?" Kaidan had asked Shepard with a sad smile and a shake of his head.

"She'd probably tell us to have a good time and bring lots of condoms," Shepard replied.

Kaidan laughed and blushed a little. "Yeah," he chuckled. "She would have, too."

Shepard's words had gotten him thinking though, and so while the conversation turned to other topics again, Kaidan slowly directed their walk away from the embassies and stores and further into the area that housed the hotels and parks of the Presidum.

Now, he led Shepard into a narrow hallway that led away from the main walk and into a wide plaza. Circling the open space were flowering trees with wide blossoms in every color of the rainbow.

"Wow," Shepard said, looking out on the tree-encircled place. "This is quite the park."

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed. "But that's not the best part. Come here." He walked to the other side of the plaza and Shepard followed. On the far side was a wall. There was a doorway in it, but the glowing red light in the center of it signaled that it was locked.

"Damn," Kaidan murmured. "I guess they closed it down for the night."

"That's okay," Shepard said, "we can go to...Kaidan? What are you doing?" She looked at her lieutenant in surprise as he flicked on his omnitool and began tapping at it.

"You're hacking the lock?" Shepard raised her eyebrows at him.

"It's worth it," he told her, "You'll see." A moment later, the light in the center of the door turned green and the doors slide open. Kaidan put his hand on the small of Shepard's back. She felt her heart beat faster at the contact as he ushered her into a darkened room.

"Kaidan," she asked, uncertainly, "What are you doing?"

"Just trust me, Shepard," he grinned. Then his smile was gone from view as the door slid shut behind them and the lights went out.

"Kaidan..."

"This way," he said. He took her hand in his and led her into the darkness. His calloused palm felt warm and strong; simply holding it made her feel a little dizzy. Funny how days apart made even the smallest touch erotic.

And they _had_ spent days apart. The Citadel had been a mess, and as a result the Normandy had been asked to stay. Shepard had been in meetings for hours at a time and the Normandy crew had been lending what aid they could to survivors. Today had been the first day in which there was a break: a break for a funeral, that is, and then off-duty time following. There wasn't much to do on the Citadel at the moment though, not with the chaos in the wards. Most of the crew had gone back to the ship to spend their time there. In fact, as far as she knew, only she and Kaidan were still out wandering around.

"What is this place?" Shepard asked. Something was crowding in around her and the air was heavy and damp.

"Over here," Kaidan said. He pushed something aside in front of her and pulled her forward.

"Oh," she breathed. "Wow."

"Yeah," he echoed beside her.

They were standing in what looked like an enchanted forest. Faint light twinkled from the ceiling above, a ceiling which Shepard realized looked out onto a view of the Widow Nebula beyond. It gave a faint light to the room, and the room itself was filled with flowering trees and fragrant pines. The tops of the evergreens nearly reached the glass ceiling far above them.

"What is this?" Shepard murmured.

"It's a Japanese-style garden," Kaidan told her. "These plants are all native to the Pacific regions of Earth, so they need a lot of water and shade. That's why the lights aren't on all the time in here. I found it yesterday when Tali and I were helping Captain Anderson fix some of the Alliance offices and embassy suites. We had to go back to the Normandy by a different way because the keepers had put up a wall in our path. I thought I smelled cedar and stuck my head in here. It just smelled so much like home."

"Is this what the forests in Vancouver are like?" Shepard asked him.

"This?" Kaidan laughed. "Not even close. But, like I said, the trees reminded me a little of the coast. That's why I wanted to..." He laughed a little and paused.

"Wanted to what?"

"Ah," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I wanted to take you for a walk."

She blinked at him.

"A walk?"

"You know, people sometimes take walks – without carrying guns."

"I'm carrying a gun," she told him.

"So am I," he admitted. "Okay, without stuff shooting at them. How's that?"

"We've been walking all day," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but there have been people – and windows..." He broke off sheepishly. "I wanted to take you for a private walk. As in..." He couldn't come up with anything to say that didn't sound hopelessly romantic or old fashioned. "Will you take a walk with me, Shepard?"

"That sounds so...sweet." Shepard found she had begun to grin.

"Sweet?" he frowned. "So is that a 'yes,' or is that a 'no way in hell'?"

"Take a walk in this garden?" Shepard looked into the twilight trees and found she could not see the other end of the room. "With you? And nothing attacking us? That's definitely a 'yes'."

"You gonna be able to handle this, commander?" Kaidan asked her teasingly. "A normal walk? With me?"

"Kaidan," she said, lifting her chin, "I can handle anything you throw at me."

"Then again, I could arrange an ambush of some sort..." Kaidan murmured.

"An ambush, eh?" Shepard asked, her voice going low and sultry. "That sounds promising."


	7. Breaking

_Chapter 7_

_(aboard the rescue carrier, on the way to the Citadel)_

"Kaidan."

Kaidan stiffened at the voice. He had somehow known that he would hear it before this cruise was over. Mentally, he calculated how much further there was to go to get back to the Citadel. They were only forty-five minutes out at most. He would have to help with approach clearance at fifteen minutes prior to their arrival. Alliance protocols would require him to file as the superior officer in charge of a rescue operation and that would take a while.

That meant that at most, he only had a half an hour left until he had work to do again, work to keep him busy and numb. Just one half hour. Kaidan took a breath and lied:

"Doctor T'Soni, I really don't have time to talk."

"Kaidan, please," the asari begged in her soft voice.

"That's Lieutenant Alenko," he said stiffly.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice breaking. "She called you Kaidan, didn't she?"

Kaidan felt as though someone had slapped him across the face. All this kindness, this worry: it was going to make him crack. He simply couldn't take it.

"Doctor," he snapped, "I understand that your degree is not in medicine, but we have injured people down in the cargo bay and I deliberately asked you to help Doctor Chakwas look out for them. I need you to get back to your duties."

Liara lifted her chin. "Lieutenant Alenko," she said, her voice wavering, "We have to go back. We have to search for Shepard – for her body, at least. She might be..."

"She's not."

"You don't know that," Liara pleaded. "We never saw what happened to her."

"Joker saw," Kaidan spat both words as if they were bitter to the taste.

"He _thought_ he saw. But he could be mistaken."

When Kaidan started to walk away, Liara followed him down the hallway, calling after him.

"There's something wrong here, Kaidan. That ship found us in the middle of nowhere when we were hidden by the stealth systems. That ship kept coming back and back and shot at the ship, but it never once took aim at the escape pods. It was like it _knew_ Shepard was on board. And then it left the moment she was gone. I think it was trying to kill _her_."

"Why?" Kaidan whirled on Liara. "To what end? To take out Shep –" He found he could not finish. He shook his head, hard. "That makes no sense."

"The Reapers must be frightened of her. Perhaps they sent an agent to kill her."

"That's impossible! They're in dark space. They couldn't possibly know what happened at the Citadel. They couldn't possibly have found her."

"But what if they have? If they get hold of her body..."

"Don't talk about her body!" Kaidan shouted. He could feel his control slipping, his biotics flaring. He took a breath, regathered his will, then went cold again.

"I need to get ready to dock," he said. "This is going to be a nightmare of paperwork."

"Paperwork?" Liara cried. She stared at him, appalled. "The woman who loved you is dead and all you can think of is _paperwork_?"

"You don't know a damn thing about it!" Kaidan whirled on her, and actually faced her for the first time. "You don't know what we had between us. You don't know anything at all about what she was to me." He caught his breath and glared at her. For a moment, the strangest look passed over her face.

"At least you were something to her," Liara said, her eyes going strangely dead. "She was everything to me and I was never more than a friend to her."

"Liara," Kaidan sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn't do this, not now, not with his control so very close to snapping. "Please go and help Doctor Chakwas."

"We need to find her," Liara said, looking at him with something like desperation in her eyes. "We have to bring her back."

"There _is_ no bringing her back," Kaidan said though gritted teeth. "She's gone. When people die, they're gone, and they don't come back." He choked on the last word. It turned to a sob in his mouth, and he had to swallow hard to keep the tears from falling. Then sorrow turned to cold anger and he forced the feelings back down.

"I have to go," he said. Liara's eyes filled with tears and those tears started to fall. Kaidan turned away. He walked to the door, then added softly:

"I'm sorry, Liara."


	8. Flashback: Joker's Advice

_Chapter 8_

_(flashback: on the bridge of the Normandy SR-1, one week, six days, and 8 hours after leaving the Citadel, Kaidan's evening shift begins after his interlude with Shepard in her quarters)_

_

* * *

_

"What took you so long?" Joker asked as Kaidan came up to the bridge.

"Nothing," Kaidan grumbled. He slumped into a chair and ran a hand through his hair. Joker gave the lieutenant a measuring look.

"Alenko, that's not nothing. That's a you-and-Shepard-didn't-get-any-shore-leave-and-now-you're-horny-as-hell thing."

_Actually_, Kaidan thought,_ it's a Shepard-and-I-didn't-get-any-shore leave-and-so-after-almost-two-weeks-without-her-I-couldn't-take-it-anymore-and-we-just-had-a-quickie-in-her-room-and-I'm-feeling-like-shit-about-the-whole-thing thing. But hey, close enough._

Out loud, he just said, "I'm here, Joker. You can go now."

"Alenko," Joker said. "You have _got_ to figure this out."

"Don't you think I'm trying to?" Kaidan snapped at him. "And why the hell do you care, anyhow?"

"I don't like things being awkward around here," Joker told him. "This is the best crew I've ever worked with."

"Me too," Kaidan replied truthfully. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "And I really don't want to screw it up by..."

"Screwing the commanding officer?"

"Damn it, Joker. Keep your voice down. You what the regs say about fraternization."

"That's a stupid rule and you know it."

"It's not a stupid rule. It's a rule that keeps people from acting inappropriately, from letting their feelings get in the way of their judgment." Kaidan ran a hand through his hair again. "Hell, if people knew that Shepard and I...had feelings for each other, they might think that was why she saved me instead of Ashley back on Virmire. That kind of thing could cause distrust of her leadership, undermine her authority."

"Okay, first of all, Virmire was a shitty situation and there was no easy answer. As far as the book is concerned, Shepard did the right thing. Leaving you to die just because she liked you wouldn't have made anyone trust her more. No one doubted her decision there, anyhow. The whole crew was behind her. Hell, even Williams was behind her on that one. Only _you_ had a problem with it."

Kaidan frowned.

"And secondly," Joker went on, "I think the commander could do whatever the hell she wanted and it wouldn't undermine her authority. The woman has enough charisma to take over the galaxy if she wanted to."

"Yeah, but people here follow her because of her decisions as well as her charisma. And if they began to doubt her decisions..."

"Do you?" Joker asked.

"What?"

"Do you doubt her decisions?"

"Of course not," Kaidan said.

"But you do, don't you? You doubted her decision to save you. Even now, you doubt her decision to be more than officers with you."

"Joker," Kaidan said, turning to the screen before him, "Leave this kind of crap for the ship's councilor."

"The councilor got transferred to another ship," Joker replied. "Someone's got to head-shrink you. You obviously never took a psych class back in training."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, though I never cracked the book open. Look Alenko, I might be the only one who knows about Shepard and you..."

"God, I hope that's true."

"...and so I might be the only person to give you some advice about all this."

"I'm sure this will be priceless."

"Don't screw this up."

There was a pause.

"You said that before, you know."

"It bears repeating," Joker said seriously. "What is it with you, anyhow? Now that Saren is dead, now that there's nothing trying to kill you both on a daily basis, you seem more on edge than ever. What's up with that? Do you wonder if she still needs you now that you're not always shooting stuff together?"

Kaidan looked at Joker in surprise. It was uncanny how close that had hit to the mark.

"Look," Joker said, rising from his chair. "If a woman as hot as Shepard was interested in me, I'd be suspicious, too. But she actually seems to like you."

"Can't possibly imagine why," Kaidan said wryly.

"Yeah, me either," Joker said. "Just...enjoy it, Alenko. You're lucky enough to have it."

Kaidan looked at Joker and saw something like...regret flash across the helmsman's face. It suddenly occurred to Kaidan that with his condition, Joker probably found relationships incredibly difficult – if he found them at all. Whining about how things were going with Shepard now struck Kaidan as pretty selfish.

"Joker," he said, "I... You're right. And...thanks."

"You got it," Joker nodded. "Now keep the Normandy safe for me while I get some dinner and shut-eye. Anything happens to _my_ girl and you'll see how pissed off I can get."

With that, Joker left Kaidan at the helm with a lot to think about.


	9. Survivors

_Chapter 9_

_(the survivors of the Normandy SR-1 arrive on the Citadel)_

_

* * *

_

The moment that Captain Anderson appeared was oddly comforting to Kaidan. The captain was saddened, but stoic, troubled, but he focused on the task at hand. His military approach to the situation was as much a relief as Liara's grieving had been unwelcome.

And as far as Kaidan knew, Anderson didn't know about Kaidan and Shepard. So there would be no pitying looks from him, no wondering on Kaidan's part as to how much the man knew. As Kaidan stepped forward to shake Anderson's hand, he felt his shoulders slump in relief.

"Welcome back, lieutenant," Anderson said. "I wish it were under better circumstances."

"As do I," Kaidan found himself saying. The words were spoken more out of necessity than intentional thought. "We did a full accounting. Twenty-one crew members dead. About twice that survived. We have a few injuries and Joker was hit hard. He broke the majority of his bones when his escape pod jettisoned. He wasn't strapped in. I believe they had to sedate him to treat him."

Kaidan barely managed to give Anderson that part of the report. Even as he spoke the words, Kaidan knew that Joker had been alone in that pod because of his own stupidity. The helmsman should have come with the rest of the crew, Kaidan thought. Then Shepard would not have gone to get him, would not have been killed trying to save him.

"I've got medics on the way," Anderson told Kaidan, bringing him back to the present. "I need you to come with me, Alenko. I need a full account of what happened."

"Of course, sir," Kaidan said, grateful to have an excuse to leave the crew behind. Being shut up with them for the past forty-eight hours had taxed him to the limit. He had done everything he could to avoid actually speaking with anyone about anything other than the rescue operation. "I'm not sure how much I can tell you, but I'll give you what information I have."

"Kaidan!" A voice shouted at them. Kaidan turned to see Garrus striding over. Liara was right behind the turian, half-running, half-limping to keep up. Inwardly, Kaidan cursed.

"Kaidan, we need to talk," the turian said.

"I have to make a report," Kaidan said, his voice astonishingly level.

"_Damn_ it, Kaidan!" Garrus growled, his mandibles flaring. "We need to..."

"To what?" Kaidan broke in, his voice low and intense. "To take care of the crew? To make sure no one else dies? I've done all that. And now I'm going to make sure the Alliance gets a full report and we start looking for the bastards who..." He broke off then, unable to finish. Garrus lifted his chin a little and looked down at Kaidan through narrowed eyes.

"You're going to avenge her?" he asked. His voice sounded respectful, pleased even.

"I'm going to clean up this mess," Kaidan told him. Garrus made a sound somewhere between sigh and a snort.

"Clean it up?" the turian asked. His voice sounded mocking now.

"Yes," Kaidan said, willing himself not to get angry. "It's what she would have wanted." He found he was almost unable to say that. Speaking the word "she" was far too close to talking about Shepard.

"You going to take off that mask, lieutenant?" Garrus asked, watching Kaidan closely.

"No," Kaidan said. "I'm not."

Kaidan stood there, looking through the mask at Garrus, noting how the turian's nostrils flared. Neither of them said a word, but the air seems to crackle around them.

"Kaidan." It was Liara now, her voice tremulous and tearful. "We need to go back."

"Liara seems to think that there was something strange about the attack," Garrus said. "I want to know what _you_ think, Kaidan."

"There were a lot of things strange about the attack," Kaidan replied, turning to go. He couldn't stand to look at them anymore. "I'll note it in my report."

"_Report_!" Garrus snapped. "You're just going to file a _report_?" Both the turian and the asari looked at Kaidan in disgust.

"If you two are done here," Anderson said, stepping in, his voice cold, "I need to speak with the lieutenant."

Garrus and Liara still looked at Kaidan, but Kaidan had turned his back on them and walked away. Anderson fell in step alongside him.

"I'm still not sure about those aliens," Anderson said. "I suppose Shepard did what she thought was best at the time."

"They were her friends," Kaidan said softly. It was all he could manage.

"You going to take that mask off, lieutenant?" Anderson asked.

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said. He reached up and pressed the release valve at the bottom of the helmet, then drew it off of his head and tucked it under his arm.

Even as he did so, he didn't feel that he had taken the mask off. If anything, he felt like a mask had slid down inside of the helmet, a mask that now paralyzed his face into an expression of calm. He stared straight ahead, trying not to see the Citadel as it had been then – as it had been when he had been here with her. The last time he had walked this path, she was beside him. And now he had left her behind – forever.

"You look terrible, Alenko," Anderson said. Kaidan started. He had almost forgotten the man was there.

"I haven't slept in a while," Kaidan said. "Or eaten."

"I can imagine," Anderson frowned. "I have rooms at the barracks set up for you and the crew. As an officer, you'll have your own place. I'll let you go and get some rest as soon as I can, but right now, the Council will want to hear the full story."

"I have to speak to the Council?" Kaidan frowned.

"They just lost a Specter," Anderson said. "There's a lot of red tape that's needed to seal this file up. And then we'll have to prepare a funeral..."

"A funeral?" Kaidan nearly choked on the word.

"Empty coffin, of course," Anderson said sadly. He shook his head. "What a waste of a life."

Kaidan found he couldn't speak.

"Alright, Alenko," Anderson said. "Here we are." He motioned to the elevator before him, an elevator that led to the tall tower that housed the Council chamber.

Kaidan looked up at the white spike, remembering the last time he'd stepped in there. He and Shepard had gotten halfway up before they'd had to climb out and fight their way to the top. Some days the Battle of the Citadel seemed just yesterday. Right now, though, it felt like it had happened in another life. Kaidan felt weary to the bone, and the idea of standing there in front of the Council and talking about Shepard...

_No_, he thought. He could not think about that now. As he stepped into the elevator, he imagined that mask over his face, adjusted it mentally so that there was nothing of the man showing through. Then he began a list in his head. The list was full of people that he needed to talk to, information he needed to give. He had recorded precious little data with his omnitool, so he'd have to give an eyewitness account and he needed remember everything clearly. He began to prepare the facts in his mind, laying them out in a neat row as if on an empty table. He'd have to be clinical, clear, and as emotionless as a machine.

Otherwise, he would never get through this.


	10. Chosen from the Slain

_Chapter 10_

_(a mysterious station at an unknown location)_

A man sat in a chair in a darkened room, watching a star die.

"Do you know the story of the Valkyrie?" he asked, breathing out a line of cigarette smoke.

"The Valkyrie?" a woman's voice asked in reply. "You mean our target?"

"You know her nickname then?"

"I know her whole file," came the reply. The voice held an Earth-Australian accent and an officious tone.

"I meant the story of the Valkyrie of legend," the man said. "The old Norse myths of Earth."

"The Valkyrie were daughters of the gods," the woman replied. Her shrug indicated that she assumed this was information everyone knew. "They walked the battlefields after wars and selected the worthiest warriors from among the slain. Then they took their dead to Valhalla - the feast hall of the gods. There, those heroes were born again."

"Fascinating, isn't it?" the man said, taking a drag from his cigarette. "The parallels of that story to this one are...intriguing."

There was a pause.

"I suppose it's fitting," the woman admitted. "As I recall, those risen heroes were then called upon to fight at Ragnarok – the final reckoning. The end of the world."

"Indeed," the man breathed out a cloud of smoke. "And here we are, looking for a hero to stand in the breech between us and the end of our world."

The woman looked up from her datapad. She had been reading a file marked 'Kyrie S.' Her lips thinned as she said, "But in the stories, it was the Valkyrie who did the choosing of the heroes. They weren't the ones being chosen. After all, the name 'Valkyrie' means 'chooser of the slain'."

"True," the man nodded. "But desperate times have called for a slight..._shift_ in the narrative. Have you made any headway with the asari?"

"Yes," came the reply. "We've intercepted mail between the archeologist and the lieutenant of the Normandy SR-1. He isn't responding. She's becoming desperate."

"Then the time is ripe to approach her," the man said approvingly. "Have you gotten your people into place?"

"I'm prepared," the woman said. "Is the lab ready?"

"Stocked and set," the man told her. "I'll release the location to you as soon as you have the target in custody. We can't risk anything getting in the way of our plans."

The woman fell silent as she considered this.

"What I wonder," she said at last, "is what the risen heroes thought of being brought back to life. They died in blood and then woke to find themselves in a golden hall, being asked to do battle in yet another war. What if they chose not to fight? What if _she_ chooses not to fight?"

"You have some concerns on the subject?" the man asked.

"It's one thing to raise the dead, but another to persuade the living. Her reaction to the ordeal – to us – to Cerberus, are a total gamble. I still say we need to implant her brain with some sort of control chip..."

"No," the man said firmly. "No controls – not of the kind you're talking about."

"But sir..."

"I'm working on safeguards right now," the man said, waving his hand to bring up a hologram screen just inches from his fingertips. "I find that in a situation such as this one, it is better to create a path than a leash."

The woman nodded, but her lips remained a thin line. The man saw this and looked at her with his eerie eyes.

"You worry about bringing Shepard back, Miranda," he said. "I'll worry about keeping her under control."


	11. Time

_Chapter 11_

_Time_

_(on the Citadel in the days following the rescue)_

* * *

There had never been enough time.

When Kaidan thought about Shepard – and he avoided doing so as much as possible, in spite of the fact that there was enough on the station to remind him of her wherever he looked – that was the one thing that kept running through his head:

There had never been enough time.

The first day back, he collapsed into bed after his meeting with the Council and slept dreamlessly for over twelve hours. When he woke, he'd been disoriented. For one glorious moment, he wondered if he could catch Shepard before she had to get to a meeting.

Then he remembered, and it was like being crushed under a sheet of ice.

He got through that day by speaking as little as possible, by keeping as busy as possible. Anderson had a million tasks for him, it seemed, and Kaidan eagerly took on every single one. He avoided the crew, avoided the team. That day and the next and then the next he managed not to speak to any of them. They could have left the station and he would not have known.

He heard rumors about them, though. Joker, it seemed, had made a decent recovery, thanks to Doctor Chakwas' care. The helmsman had been grounded, though, deemed unfit to fly. Joker had last been heard complaining to Anderson that he _needed_ to be given a new berth or he would go crazy.

_So go crazy_, Kaidan had thought when Anderson relayed the story. _I certainly have._

Liara had sent Kaidan numerous messages via his extranet account and even by an actual messenger at one point. She kept begging to see Kaidan, to talk with him about Shepard. She kept repeating that they needed to go pick the body up.

Kaidan simply couldn't speak to the asari. He had held Shepard's body mere hours before the Normandy exploded with the commander on it. He wanted to keep his last memory of Shepard as untainted as possible. To see her blasted corpse...

He simply couldn't bring himself to think about it, much less to picture it. He knew he couldn't stand to see it. After what had happened to her, there wouldn't be much left, he figured. Perhaps it was cowardly of him, but he would rather let her remain in his memory as the woman she was, not as a burned shell.

And so he ignored Liara, just as he ignored everyone else. The only person he had seen in the last week was Garrus. The lieutenant and the former C-Sec officer ran into each other as they crossed paths on the Presidium one day. Garrus asked Kaidan if anything was being done to track down the mysterious ship that had attacked the Normandy. Kaidan had replied that Alliance command was having trouble authorizing a search given how little intel they had about attack. Garrus had gotten angry. Kaidan had nearly lost his temper in return. In the end, he walked away, leaving the turian shouting after him. Kaidan had not seen Garrus since.

The funeral was tomorrow and Kaidan knew everyone would be there. He simply hoped that he could find a place to hide in the back row and somehow numb his mind to his surroundings enough to get through the ordeal. This past week, he had been ignoring the thought of her funeral as much as possible.

Instead, he'd been trying to kill time. He now measured his days in increments, viewing minutes the way he used to view targets. He would line up shots and knock them down, one by one. Filing a report was a thirty-minute bullet. It would kill a half an hour. Following up on the request for more intel about all unlicensed classes of ships and cruisers known to the Alliance would take much longer. Given how tight-lipped the top brass were about what ships they had in their databases, that task was like a grenade, taking out a whole afternoon.

So Kaidan set up his ammo and took out the days minute by minute, hour by hour. At the end of them, he dreaded the quiet of his room back at the barracks. In the time between waking and sleeping, there was no protection, and then his mind would wander. Then he would think of her.

As he lay in bed, waiting for sleep to come, he thought of how she smelled, of the scar on her cheek. He thought of the electric hum of her biotics and of her rare smiles. He thought of that indescribable something she had about her that caused a crew of hardened soldiers to follow her into an impossible mission. He thought of the way that after all his years of training and solitary control, she had crept under his guard and caused him to fall for her so hard that he hadn't even realized how much he felt for her until she was gone.

He had known her for less than a year. He had been her lover for less than three months. As he drifted off to sleep each night, he kept thinking one thing over and over and over:

There had never been enough time.


	12. The Funeral

_Chapter 12_

_(Shepard's funeral – and flashbacks)_

**Note:** Lots of angst, lots of mature elements. If you want the full backstory of Kyrie Shepard and Kaidan's past history, see Valkyrie.

* * *

Kaidan walked into the plaza. He saw the chairs lined up in neat rows, saw a stage set up under the rhododendron trees. He saw a coffin on that stage. It would be empty, he knew, and he felt numb at the sight of it.

To the right of the stage was a wall that spanned several stories. The door in that wall was open, and through it, Kaidan could see a path, could see trees and flowering shrubs, and, half-hidden from view among the foliage, a gazebo made to look like a Japanese pagoda. It was painted deep red.

From across the plaza, Kaidan caught the scent of cedar. He closed his eyes, unable to stop the memories as surely as he was unable to stop breathing.

"_Come here, lieutenant."_

"_Still giving orders ma'am? I thought we were off duty for the evening."_

"_This isn't an order, Kaidan. This is that ambush you were talking about."_

* * *

Kaidan had chuckled, had let her pull him by the lapels into a gazebo in the center of the garden. The trees were dark around them, the path behind them barely visible in the dim light of the nebula, gleaming down from the glass ceiling above. He could no longer see the locked door from here. All around them, the air was damp and quiet.

"Wait a minute, Shepard," he'd whispered. "Let me..." Kaidan let go of her to reach for his sleeve.

"You brought a condom?" she blinked. "We were headed to Ashley's funeral this morning and you were _that_ sure you'd get lucky?"

"No," he said, caught between a laugh and a frown. "I wanted to shut off any security cams." He tapped his arm and an omnitool flickered to life. After a few taps, he let it dim again. "It's too dark for anyone to have seen us enter, but if our biotics start up..."

"Which they usually do," she said. "In which case, we'd be giving off a light show."

"Some kind of show," he chuckled. "And no. I didn't bring any condoms."

"Hmm." She considered that. "Well," She gave a one shoulder shrug. "I had my shot last exam."

"You got a birth-control shot?"

"It's standard," Shepard told him. "I should be good for a few months here. You clean, Alenko?"

"I was last exam," he told her. No point in mentioning how long he had gone without really needing a sexual exam before meeting her.

"And here I was a virgin at last exam," Shepard laughed. "Alright. Seems like we're good to go."

Kaidan swallowed and looked at her. "I didn't think of all of that last time."

"Neither did I," she said, giving him a crooked grin. "But considering we were headed into possible death and certain dismemberment, it didn't seem all that important, did it?"

"Yeah," Kaidan nodded. "Speaking of dismemberment, how are your ribs?"

Shepard's grin grew wider. "See, this is the great thing about having sex with a medic. They know the body so well."

Kaidan frowned at her. "I'm serious."

"So am I. Don't worry so much, Kaidan. We can do this without hurting each other."

"If you're sure," he said doubtfully.

"For an ambush," Shepard told him, "You're giving me plenty of time to rally my defenses."

"Do you need defending, Shepard?"

"Against you?" she asked, "Never. Now, if you're done worrying, let's do this."

"Do what?" Kaidan asked innocently. "I was just taking you for a walk."

"Not anymore, you're not," Shepard said, grabbing his labels again and pulling him into the gazebo. There was a wide bench against one wall, and she turned him around and pushed him down to sit on it.

"For someone who's new at this, you're awfully certain about what you want," Kaidan said with an appreciative smile. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her towards him. Shepard straddled him, placing her knees on the bench on either side of him.

"I'm a quick learner," she told him. "That, and I've had a _long_ time to imagine what I want."

"And what do you want?" he asked. His voice became rough as she began kissing her way along his jaw.

"Right now? You." She began unbuttoning his jacket.

"Right here?"

"Yes."

"On this bench?"

"Oh yes."

"Whatever the commander wants," Kaidan murmured, reaching to unbutton her jacket.

* * *

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut, unable to bear the memory anymore. Looking up, he saw that the plaza had begun to fill with people. He didn't recognize any of them. There were diplomats, press reporters – a lot of reporters. He frowned. Of course, the media would have a field day with all this. The thought made him angry. He knew how much Shepard had disliked the press – all except for that one reporter, Emily Wong.

As Kaidan sized up the crowd, he saw a face he recognized. Ambassador Udina saw Kaidan as well and came bustling over to him.

"There you are," the ambassador snapped. "You're the, ah..." He glanced down at his datapad.

"Commander Alenko," Kaidan said. The new title still sounded wrong to his ears.

"Right," Udina nodded. "Your seat is up there. You'll be going after the asari."

"The...what?" Kaidan blinked.

"You'll be speaking after the asari. Keep it simple; keep it short. We have about twenty speakers and we don't have time for anyone to get long-winded."

"You expect me to give a speech?" Kaidan was dumbfounded.

"Anderson didn't tell you?" Udina frowned. "Well, come up with something quick," he waved a hand impatiently. "Otherwise I'll have to let that elcor make a speech like he threatened to do."

Udina hurried away and Kaidan stared after the man.

He couldn't make a speech.

He wasn't even sure if he could get through this.

* * *

_"Ouch!"_

_"You sure you're going to be able to get through this, Shepard?"_

Kaidan had been caught between amusement and concern. The woman was determined to have sex with him right there on that bench, but she was in no condition to be making any sudden, althetic movements.

Though damn it if she didn't keep trying to.

"Shepard," he said, even as he leaned in to kiss her throat. "Maybe we should..."

"Stop?" she murmured. "No way. We don't have a whole lot of chances to do this. I don't intend to waste this one."

"Your ribs, though..."

"Okay, Alenko, that's it," she said, drawing back from him. With her biotic energy shimmering over her face, Kaidan almost missed the wicked gleam in her eye. "If you keep that up, then we're going to have to stop worrying about me and just worry about you."

"What do you...?" Kaidan broke off and swallowed hard as Shepard slipped off of his lap. She knelt on the floor before him, then pushed his knees apart and reached for his belt.

"You're not seriously..." he began.

He didn't get much further than that.

* * *

Kaidan felt a muscle in his jaw tense. There was no way that he could think up a speech. Not now. Not when all he could think about was the smell of cedar and the way that Shepard had touched him that night.

* * *

"My God," Kaidan had breathed when she was done with him. He looked down at her, feeling suddenly awkward. All that faded though when she lifted her head and grinned up at him.

"Good," she said smugly. "That is _exactly _the reaction I was going for."

"You're going to make me insane one of these days, you know that?" he murmured. He was awash in biotic fire, could scarcely think. His mind seemed to have gone blank. "What about you?" he asked at last.

"What about me?" she raised an eyebrow and began to gently button up his pants. Kaidan watched her in a daze as she straightened his uniform, then rose to sit beside him on the bench. She reached over, gently turned his face to hers and kissed him lightly on the lips.

"You're..." he let his eyes drift shut at her kiss. "That's just...not fair."

"How is that not fair?" she wanted to know.

"It's just not."

Shepard chuckled. "So what are you going to do about it?" she asked him.

"I don't know," he replied. "What can I do? If I touch you, I'm going to break something."

"I know of one part of me that isn't broken," she murmured. "At least, I don't think it is." She paused. "On second thought, maybe I ought to get the opinion of a medical professional here." She took his hand in hers and began to guide him to her belt.

"How the hell did you get a reputation as an ice maiden?" Kaidan asked, placing his hand where she directed him to.

"Beats me," she shrugged. "Actually, I know why. It's because only you know what I'm _really_ like."

Kaidan smiled at that and began to reach further down. "Yeah," he said. "And what you're _really _like is unbelievable. As in, no one would believe me if I told them."

"You planning on telling someone?" Shepard's laugh turned to a gasp as Kaidan touched her.

"Telling someone about _this_?" he murmured, relishing the way she became liquid against him, the way she shimmered instantly with blue-white fire. "Not a chance in hell. This is between you and me, Shepard."

* * *

"Alenko!" Kaidan broke free from that memory in time to see Captain Anderson striding over to him. Kaidan snapped to attention at once.

"Sir," he said, his voice as rough as sandpaper.

"I'm sorry, lieutenant," Anderson said. "I completely forgot to ask you about saying a few words. I..." The captain broke off as someone called for him via a comm link. The captain held his hand up to his ear.

"We don't have room for..." He frowned. "Alright. Just...I'll be right there." He looked to Kaidan apologetically. "It seems we don't have enough seats," he said. "Excuse me, Alenko."

Kaidan nodded as the captain wandered away. That left him alone again, alone in the milling crowd, alone in the growing noise of people murmuring and of chairs being pulled back across the metal floor. Funny how people always came early for a funeral, he mused. Across species even, it seemed to be a trend.

Without meaning to, without wanting to, Kaidan's eyes flicked back to the open doorway, the one leading into the garden, and he found the memory returning...

* * *

"What are you thinking, Shepard?" he whispered. His voice sounded strangely loud in the quiet garden.

"Thinking?" She gave a soft laugh that turned into a sigh. "Kaidan, that would imply that I was capable of thought right now."

"You feeling okay?"

"More than okay. Like I said – medics." She opened one eye and glanced up at him from where she'd buried her head against his chest.

Kaidan smiled, pulled her into his arms as tightly as he could without hurting her.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Not at all," she smiled, pushed her hair out of her eyes. She rested her head back against his chest and sighed. They sat like that for a long while, until finally Shepard said, "So, what was that about wanting to take me for a walk without any attacks? Seems to me we both got taken down."

Kaidan chuckled. "Hey, you were the one who laid the ambush."

"Did I?" she snorted. "I think the ambush was mutual."

"Yeah," he said. He swallowed and then looked out into the dark garden.

"Whoa," she said, twisting away to look up at him, "What just happened there? I lost you, Kaidan. Where did you go?"

"I just..." He pressed his lips together. "I didn't actually plan this, Shepard. I kind of hoped...but I didn't plan."

"It worked out well either way," she told him. "What's bothering you?"

"I..." He looked down at her and caught her eyes. Even in the low light, they were sparkling a little.

"You always looked right at me," he told her.

Her brows furrowed. "This is a bad thing?

"No," he shook his head. "Just...an unusual one."

"I look at you," she repeated. "Does that mean other people...don't?"

"I think..." he said slowly, "other people see the biotics, or the L2 implants. They see the lieutenant - but not me. I get commendations for missions, I get credit where credit is due. But even so... I guess I've always thought of myself as... Well, as the kind of guy who tends to get overlooked. Whereas, you're the sort of person people notice, Shepard."

"Are you saying you're..._jealous_ of me?" She frowned, pushed herself up to a seated position.

"Not at all," he told her. "You deserve the credit you got – that you're getting. And I'm proud to have been a part of everything you've done here. It's just – I'm not the kind of guy who stands out in a crowd." He frowned and looked away. "It's just strange to me that you noticed me at all."

"Kaidan..." she murmured. Her heart felt like it was twisting at his words. "How can you say that? How could I _not_ notice you? Aside from having the best ass on the Normandy, there's no way I could ignore that hot biotic energy of yours."

Kaidan frowned at her.

"Okay," she said, forcing herself to look more serious, "I'm not quite sure that I understand. Why _wouldn't _I notice you? You fascinated me from the moment I met you."

Kaidan looked at her doubtfully.

"Besides," she went on, "You've seen me for who _I _really am. For all the attention that I get, it's mostly just publicity for the Alliance or the Council. The real me is a lot more messed up than the Specter on the vids.."

"Shepard, you're more than just the Specter."

"Yeah, well, you're more than just the beautiful assistant." When he still frowned, she gently touched his cheek. "Hey, look. We're both more than the world gives us credit for – both good and bad. That's what I like about us, Kaidan. When we're together were just...ourselves."

He smiled at that. "You're right. How is it that you got me to be myself when there were days I didn't even know who I was anymore?"

"I dunno," she replied. "You did the same thing to me." She smiled, then made a face, "Okay, that's too much mushy stuff. I think we need to move on, here."

"You're wanting more, ah...?" he asked, hopefully.

"Actually," she admitted, "My back is killing me. This bench is pretty hard..."

"Damn it, Shepard," he said, standing and hauling her to her feet, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I just did."

"I mean before."

"Well, I didn't want to kill the moment. We were having a moment there, or didn't you notice?"

Kaidan laughed as he began to button up her coat. "This time, Shepard, I definitely noticed the moment."

* * *

Kaidan felt as though his throat was closing. Tears were crowding in on his vision.

He had managed to keep under control for days now, for a full week, but before there had been work to keep him occupied, protocol to guide him in the rare times that he had to speak to another human being. But here, now, he simply couldn't keep the memories away, and it wasn't the empty coffin on the stage that was causing it. It was that damn garden and the haunting smell of cedar.

He pulled his mind back from the memories, from the sorrow. He needed to clear his head. He needed to keep his mask from slipping.

And then Kaidan saw him:

Joker.

_Bastard_.

Fury lept into Kaidan's mind, followed quickly by sorrow. Raw emotion roiled inside of him, and he could feel his hold on himself loosening.

The helmsman was standing among a small circle of the Normandy's crew. As if Kaidan's vicious glare had signaled him, Joker turned. His eyes widened as he saw Kaidan. He opened his mouth, began to raise his hand as if to call out a greeting.

Kaidan's teeth clenched.

If not for Joker, Shepard would still be alive, still be here with him. The man had been Kaidan's best friend, and now, Kaidan hated the sight of him so much, it was a wonder he didn't strike Joker down where he stood.

And yet, he thought, it wouldn't bring Shepard back.

Kaidan felt a single tear streak down his cheek.

He couldn't do this.

Kaidan turned on his heel and walked away, walked faster and faster to get away from this place, from that stage and that open garden as quickly as possible. He heard Joker call his name, thought he heard someone else call for him, too, but he ignored the cries. He nearly broke into a run.

Kaidan made it to the alleyway and turned the corner; he kept walking, counting his footfalls, imaging them as nails, each one driving his mask back into place over his face. He walked on and on, until at last he reached the Alliance barraks. The halls were completely deserted. Every other soldier had gone to Shepard's memorial.

Kaidan walked into his room and only then did he stop. He let the doors slide shut behind him. As stiffy as a machine, he walked slowly to his bed, sat down, and looked straight ahead.

That was his mistake.

He saw himself refected in the mirror on the wall, a shattered-looking man wearing an Alliance officer's uniform.

* * *

_"You know," Shepard said as they slipped back out of the garden and into the bright lights of the Presidium, "I think I like you in your dress uniform." _

_"Why's that?" Kaidan had asked her. "Can't resist a man in uniform?"_

_"Well, that, too," she said with a wink. "But mostly, they give easier access than armor."_

* * *

Kaidan heard a bitter laugh burst from his lips. That was the thing he missed most about Shepard: her uncanny ability to make a joke out of any situation. And right now, the person he most wanted here to help him deal with the grief of loosing Shepard was...Shepard.

Kaidan's imagined mask tumbled to the floor. Kaidan placed his head in his hands and for the first time since Shepard's death, he wept.


	13. Liara

_Chapter 13_

_(a pre-arranged meeting)_

**Okay**, Chapter 14 was horror to write. Heart-swell while writing the flashbacks, then heart-stab while writing the rest...ugh. A couple of things: 1) I swear I have more humor/fluff and less angst coming, at least until Horizons. And 2) I really thought I've have Shep introduced again by now – but she's still not here! She coming soon though... In the meantime, have some Cerberus shenanigans...

* * *

"What is the meaning of this?"

A datapad clattered to the table. The asari's voice was low, but it's softness held an edge, like a sword concealed in a scabbard of silk.

"It's exactly what it sounds like," the human replied. She leaned back in her chair and waved a hand at the empty seat beside her. The asari did not sit.

"That's...impossible."

"It's quite possible," the woman replied. Her voice had a strange accent that the asari had never heard before. Even through the translators, the alien could hear the difference. It was more like the voice of Doctor Chakwas than that of Kaidan and Shepard...

At the thought of Shepard, the asari's eyes squeezed shut.

"Can you really...bring her back?" she whispered.

"I'm going to try," the woman told her. "Have a seat, Dr. T'Soni."

Liara paused for a moment, then she sat. She kept her knees pressed together, her back ramrod straight, as she always did. A childhood spent as the daughter to an esteemed personage tended to make one a little conscious of carriage. Looking over the woman before her, Liara saw that this woman had a similar bearing.

"What will you do with her?" Liara asked, her voice a near whisper.

"Ask for her help," the woman replied. "We need her to help us save human colonies. They are disappearing by the day."

"Why can't you save these colonies yourself?" Liara wanted to know.

"We've tried. But the attacks are random. Shepard has a reputation for solving impossible problems." She paused for a moment before going on. "Furthermore, the Il – my employer seems to think the Reapers are involved."

"The Reapers," Liara breathed, "by the goddess – I knew it." She raised her wide eyes to meet the woman's blue ones. "You think they targeted Shepard, don't you?"

"I think that's very likely," the woman nodded. "If so, you can see how important it is that we bring Shepard back. She might be the only one who can stop them."

"Because of her visions..." Liara murmured.

"You've seen them, too." It was a statement, not a question. Liara looked up in surprise.

"I have. Though what I saw was a mere shadow of what was imprinted upon Shepard's mind. Only she has the full story." The asari's eyes narrowed. "How did you know about the visions?"

"I know a lot of things," the woman shrugged. "What you saw in Shepard's mind is what _will _happen if we lose her. We need your help to find her."

Liara's eyes narrowed even more. "You don't have to convince me of the threat," she said.

The woman tried to keep herself from smiling in pleased surprise. She tried – and failed. "So you will help us?"

"If I help you," Liara said, her voice still holding that steel edge, "you will bring her back exactly as she was – exactly?"

"That's what I told you," the woman replied, nodding to the datapad that lay upon the table.

"You won't...hurt her? Change her?"

"Change her? Not if we can help it. If we can salvage enough of Shepard's brain to make a full recovery – and I think we can..." The brunette did not seem to notice how the asari suddenly paled, "...then we will be able to bring her back as she was. As for hurting her, well, we'll keep her sleeping until we are done reconstructing any physical damage. She may experience some discomfort, but we will keep it to a minimum." Then human then looked up and saw how queasy the asari looked.

"Our goal is to work with the woman who was – and will be – Commander Shepard," she said. "We do not plan to use her for experimentation." Her eyes narrowed. "That is what the other side wants. Not us."

"I see," the asari said softly. She thought for a long moment, then nodded. "I will help you. But I'm not doing it for you – or for your crusade."

"Then why are you doing it?" the woman asked. She told herself that she asked because she wanted to know all the variables, but in truth, she was curious as to the asari's motives.

"Because..." the asari began. "Because I always knew I'd live to see her death and now that I've seen it... It came too soon and..." She stopped and swallowed hard.

"Because I can't let her go," Liara said at last.

The human woman watched the asari with an unreadable expression. Then she looked away and pursed her lips. After a moment, she picked up the datapad from the table. Her omnitool flickered to life for a moment as she tapped a few buttons on the datapad. Then she handed the tablet back to the asari.

"This is the information you need. Keep in mind that you are one of many people searching for Shepard."

"I'll find her," Liara said, lifting her chin.

"You're confident," the woman said, admiringly. "That will help."

"I won't find her because of confidence," Liara said. She took the datapad and stood. "I'll find her because I can't bear the alternative."


	14. Flashback: April 11

_Chapter 14_

_(flashback: one week after the Normandy leaves for geth space after the Battle of the Citadel. And, incidentally, Earth date April 11)_

* * *

"Morning, commander," Kaidan said, looking up from his coffee.

"Morning, Ka- lieutenant," Shepard replied, sitting down at the table in the mess.

As usual, Shepard took the seat across from Kaidan, set down her coffee and breakfast rations. As usual, she took the datapad from where she'd been carrying it under her arm and placed it beside her meal. And as usual, she looked up at Kaidan and gave him a private smile, meant for his eyes alone.

Kaidan returned that smile, held her gaze as long as he dared before she finally blushed a little and lowered her eyes to her datapad.

How many mornings had they done exactly this, he wondered? He had lost count of the days before the Battle of the Citadel in which they had both stumbled into the mess around the same time, eaten their first breakfast of the morning together and gone over the assignments for the day. But since that battle, however – since that night before Ilos, actually – Kaidan had been painfully aware of how many mornings had passed like this. Since they had left the Citadel behind and gone out on their current assignment of looking for geth holdouts, it had been six. Six such mornings had passed, and this made the seventh.

As much as Kaidan loved the ship, loved the feeling of freedom and anticipation of traveling to a new place, loved the camaraderie of this crew that was more like family than military, he had to admit that he really missed the Citadel. There had been few opportunities there to catch Shepard alone, but there had been opportunities. There, they had been – well, sort of off duty. While here, there was nothing _but_ duty.

Kaidan frowned as Shepard tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down at her datapad. Her hair was getting a little long these days, growing out of its short, regulation cut. It tended to fall into her eyes more often, and the result drove him crazy. It reminded him far too much of the way she looked when her hair was in her eyes and her face was slicked with sweat and shimmering with biotics and she looked up at him as they were...

Kaidan cleared his throat, caught between a desire to allow the memory to play itself out in his mind and the need to keep said memory from stirring... Well, he did need to stand up here eventually and clear his plate. There were other crew at the end of the table and he didn't want to give them a sight to remember.

"Is something wrong, lieutenant?" Shepard asked, looking up at him in concern. She tucked another hair behind her ear. Her hair was slightly damp still, and her skin looked flushed. She'd probably just come from the showers, he thought. The notion made him even more aroused. Clearly, he wouldn't be standing up for a few minutes now.

"Nothing, ma'am," he replied, his voice a little hoarse. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Another sighting of geth," she sighed and shook her head. "This outpost is a little remote, so we probably won't reach there until the afternoon – not that you can tell morning from noon or night," she added.

Kaidan nodded. He knew what she meant. The only reason they kept a twenty-four hour schedule on the ship was to keep the crew's biorhythms in synch. After millions of years on Earth, humans tended to get a little crazy if not on a Sol-based schedule – even an artificial one.

"Any news of the Reapers?" he asked quietly. The whole crew knew about the Reapers – hell, they'd been there to shoot one down at the Citadel. Still, everyone found the subject troubling, so Kaidan avoided bringing it up too casually.

"No," Shepard frowned. "This looking-for-geth thing is getting on my nerves."

"Well," he said, "if that's what the Council and Alliance wants..."

"Then they're idiots," Shepard said decisively. "However," she added, seeing Kaidan frown at her glib dismissal of her superiors, "there may be evidence of the Reapers at one of these geth outposts. Next time, let's take Tali along with us and see if she can't recover some data."

"Garrus won't like being left behind," Kaidan told her.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Well, he's had his fun recently. I still can't believe he didn't go back to C-Sec after all."

"When I could follow you around as we search the galaxy for Reapers?" a voice said from the hallway. "Why in Palaven would I return to C-Sec now?"

"Because you told the commander you were going to," Kaidan said as the turian joined them at the table. Garrus shrugged.

"I said I was going to apply for Specter training," he said. "But I think I need more field experience first."

"You mean you want to shoot geth without writing a report about it afterwards," Kaidan told him.

"Exactly," Garrus nodded.

"You're a little reckless, you know that, Garrus?" Kaidan asked, his lips quirking in a half-grin.

"You're a little officious, Kaidan, did you know that?" Garrus' voice sounded equally amused.

Shepard looked from the man to the turian with a smile. Kaidan noticed and frowned at her.

"What?" he asked.

"You two sound like brothers," she chuckled.

"Brothers?" Garrus blinked.

"I had two brothers," Shepard told them. "They acted just like you guys when they got together. Only they used to run around in the woods with sticks instead of guns."

Kaidan and Garrus looked at one another doubtfully.

"Oh my God," Shepard said, looking down at the datapad, her eyes widening in surprise. "How did I miss that?"

"Miss what?" Kaidan asked just as Garrus said, "What's the matter?"

"Huh," Shepard said, bemused. "Today is April eleventh."

Kaidan looked at her expectantly. "And that means...?"

"Happy Birthday, Shepard."

Shepard looked up, as did Kaidan, Garrus, and the other few crew sitting in the mess. Liara walked in carrying something before her on a tray. Behind her came Doctor Chakwas and Joker. Shepard blinked at them.

"You remembered?"

Kaidan's heart sank. "It's your birthday?" he asked, frowning.

"What's a birthday?" Garrus asked. "My translator isn't quite getting this."

"Liara," Shepard said as the asari set the tray before her. "How did you...? God, _I _didn't even remember. How did you know?"

"I looked up your files..." the asari turned a slightly deeper shade of blue. "I remember seeing the day you were born. For the asari, it is not a date we celebrate – we have so many years, you know. We only celebrate our decades. But I learned from Doctor Chakwas that this is a celebration for the humans, and..."

"And what the doctor is trying to say," Chakwas finished, "is that she planned this for weeks. She brought rations from the Citadel and everything."

"Did you bring booze?" Joker asked.

"That is against Alliance regulations," Liara said, her face growing troubled. "I did not think... Should I have?"

"No," Shepard said, smiling at her. "This is fine. More than fine. Are those...strawberries?"

"It is a small cake," Liara said, looking both embarrassed and pleased at the same time.

"Shortcake," Doctor Chakwas corrected her. "She made enough for everyone to have some."

"Liara, thank you – so much," Shepard stood and to everyone's surprise, the commanding officer of the Normandy crossed to the asari and gave her a hug. When Shepard stepped away, Liara ducked her head, turning an even deeper shade of blue than before.

"You are welcome," the asari murmured in her soft voice.

"Liara, you're an angel," Shepard said, grinning.

"So you humans celebrate the day you were born?" Garrus asked. "That seems rather...individualistic."

"It is," Doctor Chakwas agreed, "but when we're dealing with an individual like Shepard, it seems appropriate, too, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Kaidan muttered, looking at the cake in front of him. He was suddenly feeling like a complete jerk.

"Hey, it's okay," Shepard chuckled, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I forgot, too. Well, hell, let's eat this cake. It looks fantastic. Nothing like sugar and caffeine to do a body good in the morning, eh?"

"You're having another cup of coffee?" Garrus asked. "How much of that stuff do you drink a day?"

"Way too little," Shepard told him just as Kaidan said, "Way too much."

"There is no such thing as too much coffee," Shepard told Kaidan. "Certainly not for a biotic. We burn through everything so fast."

"I wish I could try some," Garrus said, looking down the table to where the other crew members all had mugs of their own. "The way you humans drink the stuff, I guess it must be good."

"Ohh," Shepard nodded as she poured herself another cup. "It _is_."

"You shouldn't try coffee, Officer Vakarian," Doctor Chakwas warned. She was cutting slices of cake and laying them out on plates. "To a turian or quarian, with your dextro-based physiology..."

"Yeah, I was afraid of that," Garrus grumbled. "Well, looks like its protein rations for me again." He slapped his thighs as he rose from the table and turned to the cupboards.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus," Liara said. "I didn't even think..."

"It's okay," he told her. "Just one of those weird quirks of nature." He sniffed. "The strange thing is, it all smells so good. Too bad it would be poison to me."

"I'm sorry, Garrus," Shepard said, laying a hand on his armored shoulder. "Next time we're in port, we'll find some better rations for you and Tali."

"I'm fine," he assured her. "Besides, this isn't about me. This is about your day of being born, right?"

"Apparently so," she agreed.

"So how old are you now, Shepard?" Joker asked, gingerly seating himself at the table and digging into the biggest slice of cake he could find. "Fifty? Seventy?"

"Joker," Doctor Chakwas chided, "Didn't anyone ever tell you that you never ask a lady her age?"

"Is that true?" Garrus blinked. "But didn't Shepard ask Liara her age when we first met her?"

Shepard chuckled. "You're right, that was a little rude of me. It's sort of an...outdated human custom not to discuss one's age. But I don't mind answering the question. I'm thirty as of today."

The humans looked at Shepard and gave her a nod or other motions indicating understanding. The two aliens, however, just stared at her in surprise.

"That seems...young," Liara said. "You're just so... I looked up your age, of course, but I still have a hard time believing it."

"You're thirty?" Garrus blinked. "If you were a turian, you could retire if you wanted to."

"We humans still have some kick to us in our twilight years, Garrus," Kaidan said, wryly.

"How old are you?" Garrus asked him.

"Thirty-two," Kaidan replied. "Thirty-three in a few months."

"I had no idea I was working with such veterans," Garrus said, his tone teasing.

"And yet I'm older than the two of you combined," Doctor Chakwas said, raising an eyebrow. "There now, that's it for the cake. Do we have enough coffee?"

"Enough for the crew or enough for me?" Shepard asked.

"Good point," the doctor chuckled. "I'll start a fresh pot."

"So you're really three decades old?" Garrus asked Shepard.

"God, Garrus," Joker laughed, shaking his head. "Way to make the woman feel old."

"I didn't..." Garrus broke off, his mandible drooping by the sides of his face.

"Yes, Garrus," Shepard said, her lips quirking in amusement. "I'm thirty. To compare, in human years I'm considered..." She stopped and thought about it. "An adult."

"You're _young_, Shepard," Doctor Chakwas told her.

"Relatively speaking," Shepard said. "If I'm lucky, I have over a hundred years left."

"Only a hundred?" Liara frowned, and suddenly looked worried.

"Well," Shepard shrugged. "I know that sounds bad when you've already seen a century, but don't worry. I plan to make all those years count."

"I don't doubt that, Shepard," Liara said, her brows drawing together.

"Come on, now," Shepard said. "Eat some of this cake. No one gets to be sad on my birthday or worry about how many years any one species has left. Seriously, Liara," she said more quietly, picking up a piece of cake and handing it to the asari. "I know it doesn't sound like a long time to you, but I'm here now. That's what counts. That's what we're celebrating: life – not how long it lasts."

"Yes, Shepard," Liara said, swallowing and taking the offered plate. "You're right. Thank you."

"Thank _you_, Liara" Shepard replied. "This was very kind of you."

"I'm just sorry I could not find a primitive torch to put in the center of the cake," Liara told her. "But Doctor Chakwas assured me that you would prefer that I not adorn the food with a fire hazard."

Shepard only barely stifled a laugh. "That was probably for the best," she agreed. Then she smiled. "You're a good friend, Liara.

"A good friend," Liara repeated, dropping her gaze to look at the cake.

"Is something wrong, Liara?" Shepard asked her, ducking her head to try and look into Liara's eyes.

"Not at all," Liara said, raising her gaze once more. "I just...Happy Birthday, Shepard."


	15. Goodbye

_Chapter 15_

_(an Alliance office on the Citadel, about a week after Shepard's funeral)_

* * *

"Kaidan."

Kaidan snapped his head up, then frowned. His desk was half-buried in datapads. He switched off his omnitool and and stood.

"Dr. T'Soni," he said, stiffly.

"I'm sorry, Commander Alenko," she said, twisting her fingers inside of her gloves. "I keep forgetting..."

She didn't finish, because she didn't have to say it: They had never gone by titles before.

But then, they had never had a grave standing between them before, either.

" _I know what death can do to people. Having a death in the family - it can tear people apart. All that sorrow and guilt..."_

_"You mean that because we couldn't save Ashley, you're afraid that we might drift apart?"_

_Kaidan gripped Shepard's hand tightly, as if to keep them from doing that by his mere touch. "Yes, exactly. You were so cold, today. I know you did it because you needed to get through it all, but please...We lost Ash. Please don't make me lose you, too. Don't pull away from me, Shepard."_

Kaidan remembered that conversation as though it had happed just minutes ago, not months ago. When Ashley had died, he'd worried that he would lose Shepard in the whirlwind that so often follows grief.

He knew that storm well. When his own mother died, he and his father had been tossed to sea in different directions. Kaidan had already been labeled a biotic, was far away at a training program that his parents never knew the details of. There was nothing to tie the lonely, grieving boy out on Jump Zero to the devastated, grieving man back on Earth. When father and son saw one another again, they found they had nothing in common.

Kaidan felt the same thing was happening with the Normandy's crew. Shepard had been their hub, their center. The moment she was removed, the wheel had not only stopped turning – it had shattered entirely.

And Kaidan had been shattered along with it. It was only by becoming as much like a machine as possible that he had survived this far.

After the funeral, he had woken the next morning feeling like an exploded bomb. It had taken two days of lying there with a migraine before the pain went away. It was another day before he had managed to crawl back out of the barracks and get to work. He had welcomed the Alliance's red tape in a strange way, if only because cutting through it to authorize a search for the Normandy's wreckage had kept him busy all this while.

He had finally made some progress, too. He had finished a compilation of the data salvaged from the surviving crew's omnitools. And as of this morning, he had even gotten the Alliance to authorize a search for the Normandy's black box. Once he had that, he would be able to figure out who was to blame for the attack. Then he'd submit a report to the Alliance and they would authorize a team to go after those responsible. Hopefully, they'd send _him _to take the bastards down.

Kaidan supposed it wasn't as flashy a revenge as Shepard deserved, but given how little he knew, it was the best he could do. Kaidan knew that Wrex and Garrus, in particular, thought he ought to rush off and shoot whatever and whoever might be behind the attack, but Kaidan wanted to get his facts straight first. Last he had heard of Wrex, the krogran had left the Citadel for his home world. And Garrus had apparently left his C-Sec posting after flipping his boss the turian equivalent of the bird and told the officers that he would go out and "actually do some good instead of sitting behind a desk."

Kaidan supposed sitting behind a desk included him these days, but it was better than moping about in the barracks. He'd been working out, of course, because he wanted to be ready when the Alliance finally gave him the go-ahead to seek out the Normandy's attackers. But he had been inside most of the time, reading in low light, squinting at corrupt data on his omnitool. The result was that his headaches had been bothering him again. He wanted to blame that on work, on the lack of use his biotics were getting these days. But he suspected it was mostly due to the lack of a certain biotic whose presence had been like cool water to him. Then again, Shepard had been both a calming presence and a biotic workout. When she was around, he ended up fighting a lot – and doing other things that tested his powers to the limit.

Kaidan shoved the thought of Shepard from his mind. He couldn't bear to think of her. Not now. Not for a long time yet.

Kaidan cleared his throat and looked at the asari before him. Liara looked as though she was about to cry. She had always looked a little - teary-eyed to him, but now there was an added restlessness to her, a sort of wild desperation only barely held in check. Kaidan could sense it in her biotic frequencies as well – a kind of crackling under the surface of her usually calm control.

Kaidan took a breath. This conversation was likely going to be unpleasant and long. But he would do his best to weather it. He couldn't very well ignore her now.

"Have a seat," he said.

"No, thank you," she replied. "I am not going to stay long."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. That was odd. Liara had sent him so many long-winded emails that he'd expected a speech about how he just _had _to go and find Shepard's body. So if she wasn't here for that...

"What's going on?" he asked, frowning.

"Kaidan...Commander..."

"Kaidan," he said, pinching his nose. "Just pick a name and go with it. What's going on?"

She paused and bit her lip.

"I think the Reapers were behind that attack," she said.

Kaidan frowned. "You mentioned that before, but from what data I pieced together of the ship that attacked us, it wasn't a Reaper."

"No," Liara said. "I think it was their agents."

"Okay..." Kaidan seemed to process that. "Maybe so. But that's unlikely. Who would their agents be?"

"I don't know," Liara admitted. "Do you have any idea?"

"I don't think it was agents of the Reapers," Kaidan said, bitterly. "I think it was Cerberus."

"Cerberus?" Liara gasped. "Why do you say that?"

"Because Shepard took out so many of their crazy projects, they'd have to be carrying a grudge against her. And just look at this. The ship that attacked us is like nothing I've ever seen," Kaidan picked up a datapad and held it up for her to see. A granular picture of what appeared to be a rock flickered on the screen.

"Cerberus used to be Alliance before they went rogue. So they could have had access to records about the stealth systems of the Normandy. But as they're privately funded now, they have access to advanced technology we know nothing about and they can keep that technolocy secret. This ship is like nothing in the Alliance files, not even the classified ones. Cerberus has the resources to develop..."

"Cerberus didn't do that," Liara said.

Kaidan eyed her over the datapad. "How do you know?" he asked.

Liara started, then licked her lips. "Kaidan," she said. "I am going to...go away for a while."

"Oh," he said. "Okay." He set the datapad down. "So this is...goodbye?"

"Yes," Liara nodded. "And it's also..." She stopped, then lifted her head to look him in the eye.

"What do you want for her, Kaidan?"

"What?" he frowned. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want for Shepard?"

Kaidan felt his gut churning, the way it did every time he actually had to think about Shepard. Thinking about ships, about the mystery of the attack, that circled near enough to her to feel that he was doing something, but it kept him from actually having to think of her. Liara turned him toward that question though and he found he did not have a clear answer.

"I don't...know," he said at last. "I'm not really all that...religious. But I gathered that she was...in her own way. I would want her to be...well, to be with her God and with Ashley and to be – happy." He stopped, realizing that his answer sounded trite to his own ears, yet unable to think of anything else he could add to it.

He looked up to find Liara's eyes had filled with tears.

"What if she came back?" Liara asked in a strained voice.

"People don't come back," Kaidan said. He shut his mind off to the very idea. It was crazy. Thinking about it would drive him insane. He refused to even allow it to register in his brain.

"But if..." Liara began. "If she could..."

"Liara," he said, "You have to move on."

"Have _you _moved on, Kaidan?" she asked.

He found a lump forming in his throat. The man inside of him was coming dangerously close to the surface.

"Liara, did you truly come here to try and drag my heart out of my chest?"

He wasn't sure how the expression translated for the asari, but she got the meaning clearly enough, judging by her expression. Her face fell, and she shook her head.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," she whispered. "I just wanted to ask you..." She broke off suddenly, then turned and left.

"Liara?" he called after her, but the doors to his office had already slid shut.


	16. Flashback: Ramen

_Chapter 16_

_(flashback: one week after the Battle of the Citadel, following a two-day shore leave (details of that leave follow in Valhalla), the Normandy is scheduled to depart in four hours from the Citadel)_

**Note:** I want ramen. And you want fluff. Really, you do. And you want to think about a naked Kaidan. You read the chapter, and I'll go get dinner...

* * *

"Seriously?" Shepard frowned. "Kaidan, I...I hear you, but..."

They were sitting side by side at a ramen bar in the Wards. Their bowls sat on the bar before them, and beyond it, Shepard could see the transport hub. Cars were flying in and out of the area, people were milling around. It made for great people-watching, if only Shepard could concentrate on anything other than the person beside her, the person who was currently crushing hopes she hadn't even realized she held until just now.

"There are regs, Shepard." Kaidan said. He paused. "You didn't honestly think that I would be bunking with you... Did you?"

She considered saying, "Of course not, " but she'd come to be completely honest with Kaidan and so she said: "I guess I did. I hadn't thought about it, exactly, but when I thought about us going back to the Normandy tomorrow, I just thought that you'd be...with me."

Kaidan sucked in a breath. He hadn't expected that. It was what he wanted – both to stay with Shepard and that Shepard would _want_ him to stay with her. That made it all the harder to say:

"Shepard, you know we can't."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed and stared at the cars. Kaidan frowned. He supposed it was good that she had agreed so easily, but that actually just made him feel worse.

"I want to," he said. It sounded like a lame excuse.

"Me too," she shrugged. "So, you're saying you want to go back to being 'just officers'? 'Just friends'?"

"I think that's best, don't you?"

"No," she replied. "I think what we are is more than that and I don't think there is any going back."

"Shepard," he frowned. "Think of the crew."

"I am," she said. "And while I think that we need to be...respectful, I also think that this...could work."

"Shepard, it would change everything."

"Kaidan, the change has already happened."

"So what are you saying?" he asked. "What do you want us to be, exactly?

Shepard's lips thinned as she thought.

"I think..." she said at last, her voice even, "That you should become my kept man."

"Your _what_?" Kaidan sputtered, spitting noodles all over the counter before him.

"I'll keep you in my quarters," she went on, "chained naked to my bed. Don't worry, I'll come down and keep you company whenever I get the chance."

"Lower your voice, Shepard," he said, coughing and laughing at the same time.

"And since that might be a little boring for you, we can switch off."

"Switch off?" he asked, grinning suddenly, "You mean you take up the chains and I can come to visit _you_?"

"I'll take weekends," she nodded, fighting to keep her face straight. "You take weekdays. I think it's a fair schedule. Between the two of us, one of us can keep the ship running and the other one can keep the sheets warm."

"God, Shepard," Kaidan said, mopping up the mess around his bowl with a napkin. "With that image in my head, I'll never be able to get any work done around the ship."

"Admit it. I bet you loved that old Star Wars vid: the whole slave-girl Princess Leia thing." When Kaidan blushed she laughed. "I knew it. All tech-guys do."

"You're terrible," he said.

"Now, groundside missions might be a problem," she went on, cocking her head to one side. "I suppose if we both go and take care of those, then we can reward ourselves for a job well done with mutual chaining in the evening."

Kaidan shook his head. "When I met you, Shepard, I had no idea you were such a terrible tease."

"Who said I'm teasing?" she asked, smiling sweetly. "I fully intend to keep you close by me. I'd prefer you stay voluntarily, but if chains are necessary..." She broke off as Kaidan frowned. "Okay, maybe you're not into..."

"It's not that," he said. "I mean," he added, blushing slightly, "I don't know about chains. I've never, ah..."

"Me either," she said. "I wouldn't mind trying it out, but I think we do fine without accessories. Don't you?"

"More than fine," he grinned. "I mean... That's not what I meant to say." He shook his head to try and recall what he had been talking about. "Look, the point is... We can't being doing that – any of that. We need to be... We need to follow regs."

Shepard frowned, then stared into her bowl.

"Shepard, come on," he pressed, "I mean, I know you like to joke around, but we have to keep this...professional."

"You're right, we do," she nodded. "Of course, we do. Geez, I really never thought I'd be in a situation where _I_ would be the one being told by my subordinate officer that I needed to stop trying to fraternize." She muttered so quietly that Kaidan almost missed it: "Usually the other way around."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "Who?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"Who was your subordinate that tried to be familiar with you?"

"Other than you?" she asked. "There were... a few," she shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

Kaidan felt himself growing annoyed.

"Look," he said, "I'm not trying to... I'm just trying to figure this out, here. We can't..."

"Kaidan," Shepard said sharply, "I hear you. I got the message. You want our relationship to go back to being just officers and just friends so long as we are on the next mission, which begins tomorrow. We're going back to regs after less than a week of time together, which, I might add, was mostly spent at work. We are not to have physical contact beyond what is necessary for the mission. We are not to behave as though we are close or intimate in any way, and we are to keep the nature of our relationship these past few days completely secret from the rest of the crew. Have I about got that right?"

"Um..." Kaidan said. "Yeah." Somehow it didn't sound so good now that it was actually spoken aloud.

"Great," she snorted.

"You don't agree?" he asked.

"Honestly, no, I not sure I do agree. I know that sounds incredibly irresponsible, but..." She threw her hands up into the air, "Quite frankly, I think that just like last time, we'll find that we want each other too badly to stay apart. And I think we're better together, Kaidan. I think that instead of pulling away from each other, we should try and figure this out each day – day by messy, unplannable day."

"Shepard," Kaidan said. "Please?"

Shepard sighed. "Alright. If you really want to go back to 'just friends,' Kaidan...I don't want to make you uncomfortable. So, I'm willing to try."

"Thanks," he said. He looked back into his bowl with a frown. "I think."


	17. Mission Accepted

_Chapter 17_

_(Councilor Anderson's office, the Citadel, several months after the descruction of the Normandy SR-1)_

* * *

"You're not going to do _anything_?" Kaidan asked, his heart – or what was left of it these days – sinking. "I complied all that data, filed all those reports and you won't authorize a search?"

"I'm sorry, commander," Captain Anderson said, "But your data was inconclusive. We must know for certain what we are dealing with. There have been no sightings of this ship for months."

"But, sir..." Kaidan fought to keep himself under control. To lose his temper about anything these days meant that the man inside of him would take control of the machine he'd become. And when that happened, crushing sorrow wasn't far behind. "If you aren't going to send me after this ship, then what was the point of all of those months of work?"

"We got your data," Anderson said. "If we see that ship again, we have a comparison to make. We can investigate. For now, however, I have another mission that needs seeing to."

"What is it?" Kaidan asked. As annoyed as he was, the idea of more work was tempting. So long as he kept busy, he kept the grief at bay.

"That human colony you found that had gone...missing. The Alliance doesn't want to cause a panic, especially as that colonies was out in Council space. Officially, these people left safety behind to get out from under our regulations."

"But they're still human," Kaidan said, seeing where this was going.

"Exactly," Anderson nodded. "We're stretched pretty thin in the Alliance right now – that's part of the reason why we can't authorize a search for this ship you saw. But if a human colony goes missing without repercussions – even out in the traverse – then we could start to look weak. We can't officially do anything, but we do need to act. And Alenko..."

Anderson broke off, his expression grim. Kaidan stiffened, waiting to hear what could possible cause that look of worry to cross the older man's face.

"I think it might be Cerberus."

"Cerberus," Kaidan frowned. "That would make sense."

"You've dealt with them before, I think."

"I have," Kaidan nodded. "Shep - The Commander..." He broke off and could not finish.

"That's what I thought," Anderson said. "I read her reports, and their patterns of targeting small colonies for their...experiments, fits the data."

_Not quite_, Kaidan thought. The colony they had examined recently had been abandoned entirely. The Cerberus attacks they had seen had always been marked by hordes of engineered aliens and a bunch of crazed scientists. But if anyone had the power to take out entire colonies and defy Alliance detection, it was Cerberus.

"So this is my new assignment?" Kaidan asked. "You're taking me off of the search for the Normandy's attackers?"

"I know it's not quite what you'd want," Anderson said gently, "but it is a continuation of your earlier work – with Shepard."

Kaidan swallowed.

That was true. This would be a way to honor her memory. He had seen her crew safely back to the Citadel, and now he could finish her final mission, the one she had not been able to complete. He knew that she would have preferred that he focus on the Reapers, but clearly that would be a task for Anderson. So this mission to protect small colonies and seek for answers about Cerberus would have to do.

And anyhow, Kaidan knew that there was no point of arguing. He knew the Alliance too well not to see that he was getting stonewalled. If the brass said they were not going to search for the ship that attacked the Normandy, then they were not going to search for it, no matter how much some newly-minted commander complained.

"I'm sorry," Anderson told him. "And I won't be able to give you much backup on this one. It will be completely classified, primarily a solo operation. You'll be taking advanced weapons systems to another remote colony, set them up and then train the colonists to have their own militias. That ought to make the colony more secure. We need to send someone who can operate alone and yet knows how to lead a team. We need someone who we can trust to follow Alliance protocol on this, even while being a little more...independent."

"You need a company man," Kaidan said. "One who knows Cerberus. I get you."

"You're the best one for the job," Anderson told him. "I suspect...Cerberus' ties were not cleanly cut when they left the Alliance. I know I can trust you. And I know you have the technical know-how and people skills to pull this off. These colonists aren't going to like having the Alliance interfere with their settlements. They went out into the traverse to get away from our rules. You'll have to tread lightly."

"I understand," Kaidan nodded. "So that's the end of my investigations here?"

"This is going to save a lot of human lives in the end," Anderson told him. "It will take a while though. And I won't be able to officially acknowledge you. You'll have to work off the grid most of the time, only making contact with us at specified times and locations. And you'll need to watch out for Cerberus operatives, as well. Be careful of who you talk to."

"So you want me to work alone for months without much contact with the Alliance?" Kaidan asked. "And investigate Cerberus while pretending I know nothing about them?"

"I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think you were the only person who could."

"It sounds perfect," Kaidan said. "When do I start?"


	18. Flashback: Against the Lockers

_Chapter 18_

_(flashback: Shepard's birthday, without a birthday present)_

* * *

"Well, that was unproductive," Shepard said, pulling her helmet off and shaking out her hair. "I swear, all the travel just to take out those geth in less than an hour. Tali, did you get anything from them before they self-destructed?""

"Not much," Tali said, shaking her head. "What little I got I managed to decrypt and upload to your omnitool. Most of it is corrupt. If we can take out those other outposts we found out about from this one, we can perhaps piece more of this puzzle together."

"Okay," Shepard frowned. "Not what I wanted to hear – or do, but it will work. Thank you, Tali." She nodded at the quarian. "Well then, let's get out of these..." She broke off, realizing that Tali would not be taking off her suit. "Let's get some dinner," she finished. "Kaidan, could you help me with my zipper...?"

But when she turned to find him, Kaidan was already gone.

* * *

Kaidan yanked off his gear and shoved it into his locker. The sound of his helmet hitting the metal echoed through the empty cargo bay. What a shitty day. At least no one had died or been wounded. It could be far worse. But still, it hadn't been very productive. One less geth outpost and three more they now needed to check out and take out. Some days, this mission seemed pointless. It also seemed endless.

But, Kaidan thought as he pulled on his casual uniform and laced up his boots, what really had him pissed off was the fact that today had been a day like any other, when in fact, it should have been a special day. It was Shepard's birthday – and he hadn't even known.

He supposed he could have looked it up, as Liara had. But the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. Hell, he was a Marine – and a tech-geek – and a guy. Things like birthdays and gifts just didn't really come naturally to him.

The trouble was, Kaidan thought, dragging a hand through his hair, most of this relationship stuff didn't come naturally to him. It had been one thing when he and Shepard were just friends – flirtatious friends, but friends. While that situation had frustrated him at times, he knew how to deal with it. Things had gotten more complicated when he'd realized he wanted something more than friendship with Shepard. And when he realized that Shepard was open to that, things had gotten really tricky. But somehow, in the middle of all of that, the two of them had come together and for a short while, it had all made sense.

But then they were sent out on this mission, and everything got muddy again. Constantly surrounded by the crew, they were unable to spend time together as anything more than a CO and subordinate. It was driving him crazy.

And what was driving him even more crazy was the fact that he had asked for it.

Shepard had been open to...more. Just what she wanted she hadn't said, but he guessed she wanted to try and skirt the rules just a little. And now every day that he spent with her, Kaidan found himself wanting to do the same. The whole situation was driving him nuts.

On the one hand, he knew he needed to keep things professional with Shepard. To do otherwise would send a poor message to the crew. At best, it would imply that he and Shepard did not take seriously the rules about fraternization, and so were questioning the Alliance somehow. At the worst, it could cause distrust, feelings that he was being favored somehow, and might even cost the commander respect. Ships needed strict discipline to run well. That had been true from the earliest days on the oceans of Earth and it was true now out in space. That many people in a tight space required very careful handling.

On the other hand, he wanted so damn badly to be with Shepard, to join her in her quarters at night like he had that night before Ilos. Not necessarily to...well, most of the time Kaidan wanted that, too. But just to hold her while she slept would have been wonderful. Instead, he slept on the other side of a wall from her in a sleeper pod, pretending that he couldn't sense her biotic energy through the wall. Then in the morning, he would wake up and pretend that he didn't feel for her what he felt.

If Kaidan had always avoided complicated before, he had certainly stepped into a lot of complicated with Shepard.

"Kaidan?" A voice spoke from behind him. Kaidan didn't even need to turn around to see who it was.

"Yeah, Shepard?" he asked wearily.

"Is something wrong?" she asked. "I was kind of hoping that you'd unzip me back there. I had to do it myself."

Their jumpsuit zippers had long zipper-pulls, not unlike the old style of wet-suits used for ocean exploration back on Earth. It was easy enough for each Marine to get in and out of the suit alone. But at one point during their mission to stop Saren, Shepard had turned to Kaidan and requested his help in getting her zipper unstuck. The pull-tab had gotten twisted around to where she could not reach it. Kaidan's mouth had gone dry at the request – a request he obliged with a mix of pleasure and pain. Unzipping the back of Shepard's suit, slowly revealing her muscular shoulders and arms, had been a glorious sight. It had also made him so restless that night that he had eventually had to go and...take a shower.

From that point on, however, Shepard had always asked for Kaidan's help with her suit, even though she didn't really need it. After a few weeks, she had offered to help unzip him in return. He'd taken her up on the offer, even as the result had been returning from every mission to become a little bit...stirred up. Kaidan supposed it was dense of him, but he honestly hadn't realized that she was doing it on purpose to flirt with him until the last few weeks of their mission.

For some reason, he had assumed that she would stop asking for help with her zipper now that they were back on the Normandy. But sure enough, as soon as they came back from their first geth outpost, she'd turned to him, grinned in spite of the gash over her eyebrow, and asked him to unzip her. Kaidan had agreed out of habit, and had been instantly aroused again.

"I'm sorry," he said, slamming the locker shut. "I just...wanted to come down here and cool off."

"Cool off?" she frowned in concern and stepped forward to lay a hand on his forehead. "You don't feel too warm. Did you overdo it with the biotics?"

"No, Shepard," he replied, taking her hand in his. Instead of releasing it, he just held it between them. Shepard colored a little, but she looked at him steadily.

"What's going on, Kaidan?"

"It's your birthday..." he began.

"And...?" she pressed.

"I didn't get you anything."

Shepard's lips twitched. "_That's_ why you snapped that geth's head off with a biotic kick? I thought you were a little more on edge than usual down there."

"Damn it, Shepard..."

"Do you honestly think I care?" she asked him. "I told you, _I_ didn't even remember. We've been so busy, I completely forgot."

"Yeah, but when we were on the Citadel, I was going to..."

"To what?" She looked at him in curiosity as he frowned and glanced away. "Kaidan, what?"

"I thought about getting you...something. But I never did." He dropped her hand.

"What?" she asked, going for a teasing tone. "Some kind of 'congrats for saving the galaxy' present?"

"Never mind," Kaidan said, walking away.

"Whoa, hey," Shepard said, catching him by the elbow and turning him back to face her. "You're not dismissed here, lieutenant."

"Pulling the superior officer card, ma'am?" he asked stiffly. He glared at her through narrowed eyes.

"If you're going to be an ass about this, then yes I am," she shot back.

Kaidan glared at her for a second, the grabbed her by the shoulders and whirled her around. She gasped as he shoved her against the lockers. His eyes grew intent as he stared at her mouth. Shepard's own eyes widened in surprise.

"Lieutenant," she told him, "you're pushing it."

"I've already been pushed pretty hard," he replied, his voice sounding more like a growl. He pressed his hips against her, just so she could feel how hard, exactly, he was talking about here.

Instead of being angry, Shepard felt – delighted? As Kaidan's commanding officer, what he was doing was completely inappropriate, and yet, as his... well, whatever she was to him, it was pretty damn delicious to have him pressed along every inch ofher body. Shepard found herself feeling very uncommanderly-like. That probably wasn't even a word, she thought. But it pretty much summed up how she felt. Kaidan was looking like he wanted to take charge for the evening, and damn, but she suddenly wanted to let him do just that.

"Where are you going with this, lieutenant?" she asked, fighting for a chiding tone, but finding her voice came out breathless instead. She gripped his hips – to push him away, she told herself. But she just ended up pulling him in closer. Kaidan's eyes snapped from her lips to meet her eyes, and he swallowed.

"You know we can't do this," he rasped.

"I know," she replied, waiting to see what he'd do.

"Shepard," he said, hoarsely.

"What?" she murmured. She closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss him. Kaidan let his own eyes slide shut.

Then there was a sound behind them. It sounded like a soft grunt or laugh. They both froze, then looked up to see Wrex standing a few feet from them.

"Heh," he grinned. "Don't let me stop you."

"Shit," Kaidan hissed, pulling away from Shepard.

"Wrex," Shepard snapped, "Don't got sneaking up on people like that."

"Sneaking?" the krogan smirked. "That damn elevator doesn't allow for sneaking. You two were preoccupied. Though I didn't realize what you two were up to until I got over here. Would've stayed in the elevator, otherwise. Don't mind me," he opened his locker, tossed in a heat sink and then slammed it shut, "I'll leave you to it."

"Nothing happened," Kaidan said quickly.

"Now that's a damn shame," Wrex replied.

"Wrex," Shepard stabbed her fingers into her hair in embarrassment, "Just, don't repeat this, okay?"

"Unlike the rest of your crew, Shepard," Wrex said, "I don't go around telling tales all day. I have better things to do."

"So do I," Kaidan said, straightening. "Have things to do, that is. Excuse me."

"Kaidan..." Shepard began.

"Am I dismissed now, ma'am?" he asked her, his eyes wary. Shepard frowned. This was not how she wanted things to be going, but she didn't see much hope of salvaging the situation now.

"Yes," she told him. "But I want to talk to you later."

He nodded, his face now expressionless. "Ma'am." The lieutenant walked by her and stepped into the elevator. Just as the door began to close, Wrex climbed in after him.

"What do you want, Wrex?" She heard Kaidan snap at the krogran. And then she was left alone in the cargo hold.

* * *

Shepard frowned. Well that had gone...badly.

She had never seen Kaidan be so...aggressive with her. She realized that she liked it. Maybe a little too much. To see her ever-controlled lieutenant lose his cool was incredibly sexy. And it made her realize that his seeming indifference this last week had just been an act. Apparently, he wanted her as badly as she wanted him. Only, it appeared that he wasn't terribly comfortable with that development.

Shepard chuckled and shook her head. She supposed that was the difference between her and Kaidan. She felt like all her life she'd just been waiting for an opportunity to relax, to find someone she could let her guard down around. She had relaxed considerably with this crew, but it was only Kaidan who saw her as she really was. But Kaidan, it seemed, was a little less comfortable letting his guard down. It seemed each time he took off his armor, he wanted to put it right back on again – with more armor on top of that, even.

She supposed this little encounter proved that Kaidan's declaration that they ought to stay apart was wearing on him as badly as it was wearing on her. She didn't plan to break protocol exactly, but perhaps there were ways to...figure things out. Surely they could find some way to... Well, and even if they couldn't, she thought, it was nice to know that Kaidan hadn't actually gone back to thinking of her as only a friend. She knew she wasn't the most lady-like woman in the galaxy, but she hated to think that Kaidan could just discount her as one of the guys.

And apparently, he hadn't. He was just as wound up from being apart from her and she was from being apart from him. Maybe given a little time...

Shepard was a patient woman. She knew how to wait until a target came into scope. If Kaidan needed time to adjust to what they had between them now that the rules of engagement had changed, well, she could give him that time. It might make her a little crazy, a little horny, but hey, she could wait things out. And if Kaidan came at her like that again...

She grinned.

Of course, waiting Kaidan out didn't mean that she planned to sit back and do nothing. If they needed to get things figured out between them, then Shepard figured it was time to take some initiative.

* * *

"I have nothing to say to you, Wrex," Kaidan said, punching the button for crew deck.

"Damn human prudery," Wrex said, poking a finger into Kaidan's chest. "If the genophage had been unleashed on _your_ people, you'd never even know it. It's a wonder you populate at all."

"Wrex..."

"With my people, when a male finds a female who wants him, he doesn't sit and mope about it. And if that female is his battlemaster, well, he'd be with her every night, trying to please her and make sure she bore many of his children."

Kaidan tried to separate the image of him doing such a thing with Shepard from the image of krogans doing the same. The images got tangled together and he shut his eyes against all of it.

"Wrex," he said, "in the Alliance, we have protocols,"

"In the clans, we have a saying: 'Impregnate while there's still night.' I'm not sure if that's translating..."

"Wrex, I am not trying to...impregnate Shepard." Though now that he said it, the thought held a certain...appeal. Kaidan tried to squelch that thought instantly. That was not where his mind needed to go just now. Hell, they had Reapers to kill. And he didn't even know if Shepard liked kids. He wasn't even sure if _he_ liked kids. He certainly hadn't spent much time around them.

"Why not?" Wrex asked. "You two are the most fiercesome humans I know. If you were to have a child..."

"Wrex, please," Kaidan shook his head, "I do not need this right now."

"But you _are_ mating with her?" Wrex asked.

Staring into the face of the point-blank question, Kaidan found he could not lie. "I...we've been...intimate, yeah."

"Good," Wrex looked satisfied at that. "Well, I can see your regulations would cause a problem. They're stupid rules, but I can see the issue. The Alliance is your clan, and you need to respect it. Still, I think this is a case where what isn't out in the open can't hurt anyone."

"Wrex," Kaidan said, "You'll keep it from getting...out in the open, right?"

"Of course," Wrex said. "Only hear me out, Alenko. I saw how you were looking at Shepard just now – like a krogan male sizes up his female. And Shepard seemed to want it too. So why they hell you're still talking to me, I don't know."

Just then the elevator stopped and Kaidan stepped out. "Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing talking to you about this either."

"Right," the krogran replied, hitting the button for the cargo bay, "Go talk to your female about it. Or better yet, don't talk at all."

"My female...?" Kaidan began. But Wrex was already gone.


	19. Meat and Tubes

_Chapter 19_

_(several months after the attack on the SR-1 Normandy, at a Cerberus facility)_

* * *

Liara swallowed hard, trying to choke down both the bile that had risen in her throat.

"That's...Shepard?" The bald man frowned into the casket that held the body. "Holy hell, Miranda. You told me I was going to be working on a body, not a pile of meat."

"Don't speak of her like that!" Liara cried, her eyes filling with tears. "You have no idea what I went through to find her..."

"You did well, Dr. T'Soni," Miranda said, her voice as close to kind as the bald man had ever heard it. To the man, she said, "She did her best. At least the Shadow Broker didn't get the body. Can you salvage it, Wilson?"

The bald man was already running an omnitool over the open casket. "The brain's all there," he said. "That's the key. We should be able to reconstruct the cells, reactivate the neural data... After that, the body can be regrown..."

"You're not going to clone her, are you?" Liara asked in horror.

"No," Miranda said decisively. "We need her memories, her knowledge and experience. We need Shepard, not someone with her DNA."

Liara relaxed a little as that, even as silent tears fell from her eyes.

"Still," Wilson said with a frown, "This is going to take a lot of work. I can do it, but I want double what you're paying me."

Miranda glared at him. "We can negotiate that later. Move her into the lab," she nodded to the crate. "We need to get to work on her as soon as possible."

Liara wiped her tears away. "And what can I do?" Miranda looked at the asari in consideration.

"Whatever you like, Dr. T'Soni," she replied. "You are welcome to join us, to join Shepard's crew. We will work as quickly as we can, but this may take a long time."

"I see," Liara said. She thought for a moment, then said, "I believe I will go. I have some...unfinished business to see to."

"Very well," Miranda nodded. "Thank you for your help in this. Cerberus is in your debt, and that is not a thing to be taken lightly." She tapped her omnitool. "I'm transferring a bounty to your personal account..."

"Keep your money," Liara said softly and coldly. "I don't want it."

"And yet," Miranda said, "It's yours. Use it as you see fit. Thank you again, Dr. T'Soni." With that, she walked away, leaving Liara alone in the docking bay of the Cerberus facility.

Liara squeezed her eyes shut and let the tears fall. Like all most asari, when she cried, she did so silently, gracefully, the tears coursing her cheeks like quiet rivers. Some humans cried like that, but others cried loudly, their faces turning red and sobs wracking their whole bodies. Liara had never known that before, but after Shepard's death, she had seen enough weeping humans to find out. In grief as well as other things, Liara had learned that humans were a surprisingly diverse species. The same tragedy had hit the entire crew and the humans had reacted as differently as one could imagine.

The aliens had reacted as she expected, based on her little reading about their cultures. Garrus had grown angry, edgy, and even violent – at least towards Joker. He had stormed off the Citadel and not been heard from since. Though he was more hot-headed than the average turian, Liara realized that his approach of action rather than sentiment was typical of his kind. Wrex had acted like any krogan. He had wandered back to his old life with the stoic sadness of a veteran who hates to see the death of a respected warrior, but accepts it all the same. Tali had returned to her fleet sadly, crushed and seemingly a little dazed by the death of her captain. The quarian was too young, Liara thought, to fully understand what she had lost when she lost Shepard.

But as for the humans, Liara could still see their faces in her mind. There had been aching sadness in Dr. Chakwas' eyes, horror and guilt in Joker's, but strangest of all, in Lieutenant Alenko's eyes Liara had seen...nothing.

Liara couldn't understand it. Every time he had spoken to Liara, he had been so cold, so completely in control, she wondered how he managed it. Liara was not sure how...intimate, exactly, Shepard and Kaidan had been at any given time that she had known them. Still, she knew that they were closer than their Alliance protocols allowed for. She tried to ignore that fact. It was easier to pretend that their act of being just friends was the reality. It kept Liara from having to think about Shepard being with someone else when Liara still had feelings for the woman.

Kaidan had been so lucky, Liara thought, so incredibly lucky to have Shepard, even for so short a time. His reaction to Shepard's death still made Liara angry. She had been devastated by Shepard's death, and she had only been a friend. If she had been lucky enough to become Shepard's...

Liara could not finish the thought. It made her feel the cold bite of jealousy all over again. For Kaidan to act like nothing had happened... He hadn't even wanted to find Shepard's body, to lay her to rest properly.

Though now that Liara had seen the body, she could appreciate his reluctance. Seeing Shepard's remains had disturbed her so badly, she doubted that she would be able to sleep for weeks. Liara still had dreams inspired by Shepard's visions from the Prothean beacon. Liara had also touched other parts of Shepard's mind then, though she had never told anyone about that. She saw glimpses of Mindoir at times, and the horrors of the Blitz, too. In many ways, Liara had seen all the dark parts of Shepard's past, even though Shepard had never spoken of it.

It had been Kaidan that Shepard confided to, Kaidan that Shepard relied on. Liara had always wanted to be a companion to Shepard, but in the end, it was always Shepard taking care of Liara, comforting Liara, being friendly to Liara – and then walking away to seek care, comfort, and friendship from Kaidan. In the end, Liara had been just one more responsibility to Shepard.

Liara still felt somewhat guilty for bringing Shepard back without asking Kaidan's permission. It was not that he _owned_ Shepard, Liara told herself. But part of her felt that it ought to have been his decision to make. At the very least, he should have known.

But after weeks of ignoring her emails and calls, then finally brushing her aside so coldly at their last meeting, she found she could not bring herself to speak to him about it. When last she saw him, he didn't at all resemble the man Liara had known and envied. The man she'd spoken with was remote and lifeless. Liara suspected that in his own mind, Kaidan had already buried the commander.

But Liara had not. She could not stop thinking that Shepard's time had been too short, her mission too important, her life too dear. So Liara went ahead and made the decision about Shepard that no one else had been called upon to make.

She just hoped she had made the right choice.


	20. Flashback: Work Date

_Chapter 20_

_(flashback: following Shepard's akward birthday)_

* * *

Shepard did not come and talk to Kaidan on the evening of her birthday, nor did he see her at breakfast the next morning. It wasn't until the afternoon of the next day that she sought him out at his station.

"Where have you been?" he asked her without preamble.

"Reviewing Alliance reports," she replied. "Seems this geth thing is going to be set aside in favor of sending us after attacks on human colonies."

He nodded, considering that. "So that means..."

"Still no clear mandate against the Reapers and no end in sight." She paused, then added, "I'm sorry, Kaidan."

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked.

"Because clearly this is wearing on you. I realized after our last talk that I tend to think of you as this...immovable rock. But you have needs too, and I wasn't attending to them as well as I should."

Kaidan closed his eyes as he thought of those needs. "Shepard," he said. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Yeah, but I do," she told him. "I'm here for you, just like you're always there for me."

"Look," he said. "I'm not...I wasn't..." He sighed and shook his head. "Damn it, Shepard, it was your birthday, and I got so angry at you that I... I never behave like that. I'm always..."

"A gentleman?" she suggested.

"Yeah," he looked at her with troubled eyes. "What is it about you that just...makes me act so...raw?"

"Kaidan," she said. "I kind of think that the 'raw' is just as much a part of you as the gentleman. And frankly, I like them both. Unleash either of them on me. I can take it."

Kaidan swallowed. "You really know how to tempt a guy, don't you?"

"I try," she smiled. Then her eyes narrowed. "However, don't you dare pull that kind of insubordinate crap on me if there are other crew members around. I will not tolerate disrespect."

"I know that," he said, frowning. "And I didn't mean..."

"However," she went on, "When it's just the two of us and we're not being officers..." She gave him a grin that heated his blood instantly. "Hell, Kaidan, I thought that I was about to get my birthday present right there against the lockers"

Kaidan's face grew shuttered and he turned away.

"What?" she asked.

"Your birthday," he shook his head. "Not only did I not remember it, I made a total mess of it."

"Kaidan," Shepard said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "It's been a hell of a month – a hell of a year. I do not blame you for one second for not buying me gifts and for forgetting my birthday. Or for grinding against me as a birthday present." Her lips quirked again into a grin. "If anything, I think it's sweet that you were so upset about it."

Kaidan looked back at her, his face uncertain.

"Besides," she said, gently turning him to face her. "If it makes you feel any better, you are the only guy who has offered to buy me a present – ever."

"Seriously?" he asked doubtfully.

"Cross my heart," she replied. "When I was a kid, my mother had to buy presents for my brothers to give to me – they were that bad at holidays."

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair with a sigh, then let his arms fall at his sides. "Hell, Shepard, I don't even know what you _like_."

"Sure you do," she blinked.

"Aside from sex," he muttered.

"Ah," she made a sound somewhere between a cough and a laugh, "I didn't know you could wrap that up and give it as a gift. But if you figure out a way to do that, Kaidan, then yeah, sign me up for that."

"I'm serious," he said.

"And I'm not?" she shook her head at his expression. "Kaidan, you know a lot of things that I like."

"Yeah, but I'm not going to buy you a Specter-issue pistol for your birthday."

"Why not?" she frowned.

"Well, first off, it's a little more than my lieutenant's salary can afford, and I refuse to take from our mission budget to buy you a birthday present."

"Alright," she said. "If you don't want to get me weapons and armor for my birthday – and mind you, that would be completely alright by me – you could always get me something else."

"Like what?" he asked, hoping she'd give him specifics that he could file away in his mind for future reference.

"Well," she stopped and seemed to consider it. "I like books. I mean real ones, with paper."

"Oh," he frowned. Real books were a hard to come by, and tended to be expensive.

"Digital copies are good, too," she said, seeing his face fall and realizing the reason. "Okay, what else? I like...travel. Take me somewhere that I've never been before and I'm happy."

"Yeah, well shore leave won't be happening for a while," he pointed out bitterly. "The only new places we're going are all infested with geth."

"Okay, well... I like architecture – not sure what kind of gift possibilities are there, but... Hmmm... Oh, I like food. Coffee, too. Hell, buy me something other than military rations and I'll be eating them right out of your hand."

"Really...?" Kaidan murmured, suddenly seeing how that last idea could be put to very creative use.

"Now where did your mind just go, Alenko?" she said, her expression turning sultry as his turned thoughtful.

_To the gutter,_ he thought. "Nowhere, ma'am," he said aloud, but he didn't manage to hide his grin.

"I think I just gave you an excellent start," Shepard said approvingly. "I'm sure you can take it from there. But truthfully, Kaidan, what I'd like more than anything right now is time with you."

She looked at him so...appreciatively, so completely openly, that Kaidan suddenly felt a little embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat.

"You know that we can't...ah... Regulations..." He remembered his conversation with Wrex and felt all the more frustrated.

"I know," she said. Her tone turned bitter. "Believe me, I know. But we can still spend the evening together, right? A kind of belated birthday party for just the two of us? I have a bag of Sumatra roast that I've been saving for a special occasion. I'll make some coffee, and we'll see what we can do with colony data the Alliance just sent to me. We can plan for which system we ought to explore first."

"So, a work date, then?" Kaidan asked, feeling a little disappointed. That was ridiculous, he told himself. After all, he was the one who had said they shouldn't be fraternizing on this mission in the first place.

"It's still a date, right?" she asked.

"Okay," he nodded. "Only, I promise you that someday, I'll give you a better birthday than this last one."

"Fair enough," she said. "I look forward to it. So, are we on for tonight?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said. "It's a date."


	21. Kaidan Leaves

_Chapter 21_

_(Kaidan leaves the Citadel)_

* * *

Kaidan could not bury Shepard's memory.

He had skipped the funeral. He had never seen her body. His last memory of her was the sight of her in full armor, demanding that he follow her orders and go take care of the crew.

His memories of her before that were much dearer – and more painful. It had taken some time for them to figure things out, but once they had...

He couldn't bury those memories. To bury them would mean to think about Shepard, to pull those memories up and sift through them one at a time, then throw them into the grave with her like so many roses tossed onto a coffin.

And he couldn't do that. He couldn't face the memories, and he couldn't let them go, either. So he did what he could. He worked, and he planned, and he left himself a way out of any entanglements that might bring Shepard to mind.

As he packed for his next mission, Kaidan found little among his things to remind him of her. They had never exchanged any gifts, never had time to collect souvenirs of any of their times together. Kaidan was not an overly sentimental person when it came to trinkets, and neither was Shepard. In fact, he had never even taken a holograph of her.

So packing his things took very little time. Saying goodbye to his friends took even less. He had a few buddies left around the barracks – people he'd known from before the Normandy – people he could stand to see. They promised him drinks the next time he returned to the Citadel.

Kaidan had nodded politely, knowing that drinks was the last thing he wanted right about now. Anything that interfered with his control over himself was unwelcome at this point. Anything that could expose the raw man behind the mask had to be avoided. But he'd said 'Sure,' all the same, knowing that he wouldn't be back for months. Maybe by then, he might not be quite such a wreck inside.

Beyond those few officers, there was no one else to say goodbye to. Joker was gone, the Normandy crew all reassigned weeks ago. Liara, Wrex, Garrus and Tali had left the Citadel one by one. In the end, it was only Councilor Anderson who saw him off. Briefly, Kaidan considered contacting Ashley. If anyone would be a welcome sight at the moment, it would be her. But then he remembered that he'd lost her, too. So it was just Anderson who clapped him on the back, handed him his full briefing in the form of an omnitool file, and had gave him the name of the first colony he was to go and contact.

And so several months after arriving on the Citadel, Kaidan left it again, feeling just as alone and broken as he had the day he'd arrived.


	22. Flashback: Datapads and Coffee

_Chapter 22_

_(flashback: a belated birthday celebration over coffee, which ends abruptly)_

* * *

Kaidan walked into the mess, then frowned. Shepard was not here. The coffee pot looked like it had been used recently, though and the place smelled like coffee. Kaidan glanced nervously to her door. Surely she hadn't meant for their date to take place...in there?

Kaidan suddenly felt a little like he was walking into a trap. Then he told himself that he was being ridiculous. Shepard wasn't planning to lure him into her room with promise of a work date. Or was she? Kaidan wasn't sure about anything anymore, especially his request that the two of them be just friends, just officers together. In that regard, he was really feeling torn, especially after his conversation with Wrex.

Kaidan took a look around to make sure no one was there to see him, then he quickly walked to Shepard's room. The doors whooshed open and closed to let him pass. He now stood inside the room and saw that Shepard had placed two mugs on the table, two chairs on opposite sides of that table, and a couple of datapads in between. Kaidan considered the set up. That certainly looked like she intended for them to have coffee in here, but the presence of the datapads suggested that this really would be a work date – completely professional and completely boring. Kaidan couldn't tell if he was pleased or disappointed.

Then Shepard walked out of her bathroom. Kaidan gulped. _That_ did not look like a work date.

She was wearing a robe – no, a kimono. It had short sleeves and was cinched tightly around her small waist. The patterned silk seemed to cling to her every curve. Her feet were bare and Kaidan instantly wondered if she was wearing anything at all under that get-up. Her hair was damp and she was flushed, as though she had just gotten out of the shower. She stopped when she saw him and licked her lips.

"Hello," she said. She pulled her sash a little tighter.

"Hi" he said. His voice came out low and rough. "I didn't mean... Should I come back when you're dressed?"

"Ah," she hesitated. "Actually, I was planning on wearing this."

Kaidan gulped.

"Is that not okay?" she asked.

"What you're wearing is fine," he said. He then kicked himself. What she was wearing was _not_ fine – not if they were simply having an officer's debriefing.

"Okay," she said, brushing her fingers through her hair. "Have a seat then," she waved at the table. Kaidan sat down at once, glad to have a tabletop between Shepard and his...reaction to her. He took up the cup in front of him and took a sip.

"That's good coffee," he said. "Really good."

"Proper Earth roast," she said proudly, sitting across from him and crossing her legs. Kaidan tried not to think about how her legs were probably visible under the table, the fabric sliding back to reveal them...

"Where did you get that?" he asked, nodding to her kimono.

"A friend gave it to me," she said. "It came from New Tokyo on Terra Nova. I don't usually wear it." She looked up and caught his eyes. What she saw there made her frown. "Really, I can change."

"You don't need to."

"Kaidan," she said, leveling him a glance, "I'm sick of this."

"Sick of what?"

"Look," she said. "I'm not good at...playing the girl's role."

"What are you talking about?"

"Being coy, being subtle. I'm no good at it. Here's the thing: I understand that you're...not sure of me. I hate that."

"Not sure?" Kaidan blinked. "No...I just..." He trailed off, completely unsure of how to form his thoughts into words - especially when she was dressed like _that_.

"That wasn't what I intended," he managed.

"So what did you intend?"

Kaidan frowned at her and nodded to her chest. "What did _you_ intend when you dressed like that and invited me in here?" he asked. Shepard's lips thinned, but she also looked suddenly guilty. _Bullseye_, Kaidan thought wryly. "So you didn't plan for this to be a work date."

She pursed her lips, then blew out a breath, blowing her hair out of her face as she did so. "Okay, yeah, you got me. Geez, I'm bad at the seductress thing."

Kaidan choked on the sip of coffee he'd just taken. "Excuse me?"

"You know, the whole lady-in-her-robe thing like the old vids. Should have watched more of those as a kid. Strict parents though. Didn't get much chance."

"So you...were trying to...?"

"Put ideas in your head?" she shrugged. "Yeah, you found me out. This was..." she scowled. "A bad idea," she finished. When Kaidan just stared at her, she shook her head. "Yeah, okay, I'm going to go change..."

"No, wait," he said. She paused and looked at him. He found he didn't know what he wanted to say after all.

"Yes, lieutenant?" she asked.

"You're...fine," he said lamely. "Let's just...deal with this data." He lowered his eyes to the datapad and tried to ignore the way she narrowed her eyes at him.

"After my attempt at...whatever I was thinking failed, I think I want to change. I feel..." she scowled down at herself. "I'll be back in a minute." She stood and walked into the bathroom. Kaidan stabbed a hand through his hair as the door slammed shut.

This was ridiculous. Shepard had actually planned to...seduce him? And he'd pushed her away. Kaidan gritted his teeth. He thought again about Wrex's words and began to feel like a complete idiot. But on the other hand, he thought, looking down at the table, he had asked for this for a reason. Their mission was already confusing enough. Adding to the chaos was not going to help.

"Alright," Shepard said, walking back into the room. She wore her casual uniform, minus her socks and shoes. Her bare feet padded along the metal floor and Kaidan found himself staring at them. "Okay," Shepard said, turning her chair around and straddling it, "I took at look at these reports, and they really don't make any sense. The Alliance says we're supposed to find geth, but the geth seemed to stop their activity after Saren was gone. The last known outposts were way out in the traverse, near the Armstrong Nebula. I think we should take a look at this planet first, since it's closest to the mass relay in that system. We'll have to stock up on fuel to get to the next location, since it's further out."

Shepard went on, laying out her plan as cool as you please. Kaidan, on the other hand, scarcely heard a word she said.

Hereshe was, acting like nothing had happened between them just a moment ago, that she had not planned a seduction and he had completely botched the effort. He didn't know if this was part of her plan or not, but he had to admit that listening to her act so cold after being so warm was making him wish that he'd just kept his mouth shut and gone along with her original scheme.

"Now this one," she said, setting another datapad in front of him, "is a listing of all the geth posts we've seen so far. I can't tell if there's any trend here, but maybe..."

Kaidan grabbed her hand from across the table and stood. He yanked Shepard to him, sending her chair clattering to the floor. Shepard gasped in surprise, then moaned as Kaidan took her head in his hands and kissed her deeply. Never breaking the kiss, he sat back down again, hauling her into his lap.

"Kaidan..." she whispered when he let her catch her breath.

"No," he murmured against her lips, "Don't talk... Just let me..." And then he was kissing her again, sliding his tongue into her mouth. She closed her eyes and sighed against him.

Kaidan slid his hand up Shepard's back, wishing that he hadn't said anything before, wishing that she was still wearing that unbelievably sexy kimono so that he could get his hands against her bare skin, could unwrap her even as she sat on his lap. As it was, she had on a belt and undershorts and all manner of clothing that was completely in his way.

But he couldn't do that, he told himself, even as he deepened the kiss. He couldn't strip Shepard down and touch her, much as he wanted to. He had told her they had to stay apart, had to keep things professional. And now, here he was, being the one to take things further. Perhaps that had been Shepard's plan from the start, he mused. The thought made him suddenly furious.

Kaidan broke off the kiss abruptly, pushed Shepard away from him and stood. She staggered back into the table, grabbed the edge and half sat on it to keep from falling over.

"What the _hell_ was that?" she snapped at him. She was breathing hard and her face was completely flushed.

"I don't know," he said, running his hand through his hair. He turned away from her, then spun back around. "Damn it, Shepard. You're the one who..."

"Who what?" she demanded. "Who wanted to figure things out?"

"Shepard, I am _not_ going to be able to 'figure things out' when you're wearing...what you were wearing."

"Alright," she said, nodding her head in an infuriatingly reasonable way, "I admit, that was a bad idea. I should have just been up front. It's more my style, anyhow." She took a breath and looked at him. "The offer still stands: figure this out with me."

"Break regs, you mean."

"No," she said quickly.

"Really?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I...don't know." She sighed. "God, Kaidan, I'm just trying to help us keep our sanity."

"Damn it, Shepard," Kaidan said again, shaking his head.

"Well," she said, crossing her hands over her chest defensively. "Staying apart until we're so sexual frustrated that we can't help but...but end up back _here _isn't working either. That didn't work, this last week hasn't worked. Look, if this is about you and me, then it _isn't working,_ Kaidan. If this is about the crew, then it isn't going to take long for you and me not working to affect them. Let's rethink this and try...something. We can try to work in some...off-duty time."

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut in exasperation. What she said sounded so reasonable, so practical, so exactly what he wanted to do. But nearly fifteen years of living by protocol and a nagging doubt that he would screw things up caused him to say, "Shepard, we have to..."

"Have to what?" she asked. "You said you wanted us to be 'just officers,' but you don't really want that. You make it clear to me every day that you don't want that. Then you push me away because you want something more and think you shouldn't, and frankly, I'm tired of it."

Kaidan didn't know what to say. She had completely hit the mark as far as he was concerned, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. He just threw his hands up in frustration.

"Fine then," she said. She pushed away from the table. Looking down, she saw that their coffee had spilled all over the floor. "You'd can go."

"Ordering me out, ma'am?" he asked.

"Giving you permission to leave, lieutenant," she replied. She didn't look at him, but her voice sounded weary, almost...sad. "My offer stands. I know what I want. You let me know when you've figured out what you want."

"I want us to keep this professional."

"No you don't. When you really do, you come in here and tell me that again. Until you get it figured out, I don't want to talk about it. Dismissed."

Kaidan felt his teeth clench. He hated being ordered out of here like some...subordinate. He was still angry, still horny as hell, too, but Shepard, damn her, had gone and become as cold as ice. He remembered that she had been like this with him in the past, playing aloof and reserved. Now that he knew this was how she was with people she didn't fully trust, it was a complete slap in the face. He wanted to make her stop, to get past the defenses she was putting up between them. But even as he thought that, he knew there was no way to get her to let down her guard down without dropping his own.

And because Kaidan had no clue what to say to her, he left.


	23. Joker Propositioned

_Chapter 23_

_(Joker Propositioned)_

_(in a seedy bar, almost two years since the destruction of the Normandy SR-1)_

* * *

"Flight Attendant Jeff Moreau?"

Joker looked up from the bottle-strewn table before him. It took his eyes a moment to focus on the woman standing there, outlined in the dim lights of the club. His eyebrows raised in surprise and he let out a low whistle.

"May I have a seat?" the woman asked in an Earth-Aussie accent. "I have a proposition for you."

"Hell, lady," Joker said, looking her over. "I flattered, but I'm positive I can't afford you. I spent all my creds on drinks already."

The woman's piercing blue eyes narrowed.

"Just send me your link and I'll look you up on the extranet later." Joker scrubbed a hand over his face and reached for the only half-full bottle on the table.

"I'm not a hooker," the woman said sharply. Joker eyed her doubtfully.

"Dressed like that?" He took a swig of beer. " Okay, whatever you say."

"I'm here to talk to you about some business, but if you're too drunk to hear it..."

"Hey, I'm not nearly drunk enough."

"My name is Miranda," the woman said, brushing her hair aside and sitting down opposite the half-drunk helmsman. She lowered her voice and added, "I work for Cerberus."

"Shit!" Joker spat his drink out on the table. "What? You're here to take me out then? Look, I know I was part of the team that took a lot of your projects down, but..."

"I'm not here about that," she said, waving a hand. "I know very little about those other projects were doing. What I do know is that you saved my employer a lot of clean-up. No, I'm actually here to offer you a job."

"A job?" Joker asked. "Doing what? Injecting babies with some alien toxin you picked up in a lab? Killing Alliance officers and leaving their corpses on the floor to be eaten by giant bugs? Hate to break it to you, woman, but I'm not up for that kind of a work."

"I want you to fly a ship for us."

"Fly?" Joker's eyes snapped to her face. Miranda noted with pleasure that he seemed to sober instantly.

"The best frigate ever made," she added.

"Ah, that would be the one I lost," Joker said, his eyes narrowing. "Save your bullshit, lady."

"What if I told you there was a way to get it all back?" she asked. "Better than new even?"

Joker frowned at her. "I may be drunk, but I'm not stupid. What do you mean 'get it back'? What do you know about me?"

"Cards on the table?" she asked.

"On the table," he repeated. "Spread 'em." He broke off as she gave him a disgusted look. "I didn't meant it like that...Geez." He shook his head. "Just...level with me."

"As I said, I represent Cerberus," she told him. "And we have a problem."

"What's the matter?" Joker asked innocently, "Not enough helpless colonists to do experiments on?"

"Actually," Miranda replied, "this _is_ about missing colonists. You must have heard the rumors of colonies disappearing. After all, you were searching for the reason all those years ago..."

"Yeah," Joker said, suddenly remembering back to the last days of the Normandy. "We started out hunting geth and ended up finding a ghost town way out in the traverse."

"Well, it's been months and the Alliance still hasn't found anything," Miranda told him. "Instead, even more colonies have gone missing - dozens, in fact. The Council and Alliance are mired down in politics. But while they waste time, Cerberus is assembling a team to stop those abductions. We need you to helm the ship we are building."

"That doesn't _sound_ diabolically evil," Joker said, suspiciously. "What's the catch?"

"I assure you, Cerberus is not as bad as you think."

"Pfft," Joker spat some of his beer at her as he laughed. "Yeah, sure. Who's the head-case in charge of this so-called rescue operation? You?"

"No," she replied, raising an eyebrow. "It's a former teammate of yours."

"Alenko?" Joker gaped at her.

"Commander Alenko was deemed...unlikely to join our team. His connections to the Alliance are strong."

"Yeah," Joker frowned and stared into his bottle. "He got welcomed back into the fold with open arms."

"Whereas you have been grounded for how long?"

"Too long," Joker muttered. "Okay, I'll bite. Who's the commanding officer of this ship?"

Miranda tapped her omnitool twice. A holograph picture flickered just above her arm. Joker's jaw dropped.

"No fuckin' way."

"It's true," Miranda said.

"She died," he said. "I saw her get spaced."

"We recovered her. She sustained significant damage, but she is nearly ready to wake up."

"Wake up?" Joker frowned. "She in a coma or something?"

"Something," Miranda said vaguely.

"How the hell did you find her?"

"We have our methods."

"Does Alenko know?"

"Very few people know," Miranda said. "We had to keep this secret from her enemies. If those who attacked you in the first place knew that she was alive..."

"I get it," Joker said. He wondered suddenly if he'd perhaps revealed too much. Kaidan and Shepard's relationship hadn't exactly been public knowledge. "So we don't let the Shepard out of the bag until she's ready to fight again."

"That's right," Miranda nodded. "She's the only one who can stop the Reapers. We need her."

"You know about the Reapers?" Joker asked her, his voice low. "How the hell...? Not even the Alliance believes that."

"Cerberus does," Miranda assured him. "And you know as well as we that Shepard is our only hope to stop them. Will you work with us? Will you helm Shepard's ship?"

Joker looked at the Cerberus officer. His head was feeling fuzzy, but within that blur, he had been shocked to a certain kind of clarity. Cerberus was offering him the chance to fly again. Cerberus was asking for his help to save lives, to save the galaxy. But more than that, they were offering him the chance to atone for his worst mistake.

There wasn't a day that had gone by that Joker hadn't relived that horrible moment when Shepard had been blown away from the ship. If only he had piloted the Normandy better, he would have been able to save Shepard, save the crew, save the best ship he'd ever known, the best home he'd ever had. If he could have a second chance...

Joker nodded. "Yeah," he said. "If it's really Shepard, I'm there."

"It's really her," Miranda said, standing. "Get yourself cleaned up. I'll send a a messenger for you in the morning."

"Right," Joker said. "And ah...no hard feelings about the...hooker thing?"

Miranda's eyes narrowed. "Be ready in the morning, Flight Lieutenant Moreau."


	24. Flashback: More

_Chapter 24_

_(More)_

_(flashback: aboard the SR-1, some time after Kaidan's conversation with Wrex)_

**Author's Note:** I wrote most of the flashbacks all in one go and inserted them wherever they felt like they added to the game narrative and called attention to something I really wanted to pinpoint. If you closely watch the dates, you'll see that they jump around. However, it wasn't until I'd long since completed this story that I realized my original timeline was totally off, given the canon. Shepard and Kaidan had only 1 month + 4 days before she died (omg, is that not SO evil? i think so. Somehow, I'd gotten in my head they had 3 months together. Sadly not. anyhow...)

So, I've shuffled this story's flashbacks around a little to return to canon. If you had wondered what was up, now you know. ;)- sage

* * *

"Commander," Kaidan said softly.

Shepard turned and looked at her lieutenant in surprise. She was standing at her station at the galaxy map, the holograph of all the known star systems before her. Kaidan stood behind her, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Is something wrong, lieutenant?" she asked.

"Not with the mission," he said. "May I speak with you when you have a moment?"

"Of course," she said, wondering what could be wrong. "I have time now. Presley, set us on a course for the Armstrong Nebula."

"Aye, aye ma'am," the navigator replied.

Shepard walked down the ramp to join Kaidan. "What is it?" she asked, her forehead furrowing in concern.

"Can we speak privately?" he asked her.

"Yes," she nodded, now genuinely worried. "This way." She motioned to the comm room. Kaidan fell into step behind her. She led the lieutenant into the large room, then turned to face him. To her surprise, he was standing directly behind her.

"Geez!" She jumped, but Kaidan caught her by the shoulders and pulled her into an embrace. He didn't kiss her, didn't even let his hands roam over her. He just held her against his chest and breathed in the scent of her hair.

Shepard stiffened for a moment, uncertain of what he intended. But he just...held her. His biotic energy seemed to hold her as well, steady and warm. At first, Shepard considered pulling away to look up at his face, then she considered pulling him in closer to kiss him. But as he held her, she finally relaxed and just let him hold her: not as close as she would have liked, but still, he was holding her. Shepard let her eyes drift shut and she rested her head against his chest.

"Kaidan," she murmured.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he said, not lifting his head to look at her. She felt his voice rumbling just beside her ear.

"Me too," she sighed.

Kaidan muttered something against her neck. "What was that?" she asked. He pulled back and she looked up at him. This close, his eyes were unbelievably intense, a rich, warm brown.

"I don't know what I was thinking the other day," he said. "I didn't mean to...use you like that - in your quarters." He dragged a hand over his face. "God, that sounds..."

"It's okay," she said, smiling sadly. "You got a little used, too. I'm...sorry as well."

He frowned and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't want things to be like that between us – just, exploding with desire."

"You have to admit, it was kind of fun," she said with a lopsided grin, trying to make light of it. Her smile faltered when he continued to look at her with haunted eyes. "But I don't want you to feel guilty afterward, Kaidan. I really don't."

"I did feel guilty," Kaidan told her with a sigh. "I felt terrible. But afterward I started thinking – really thinking about what you said and what Wre... well, I've been thinking. And the thing is, I realized that keeping you at arms length isn't going to help anything. I don't want to...break regs, but I also I can't figure out _us_ without _you_. So..." he took a breath, "Just know that I... I want you."

She smiled, knowing full well that she probably looked completely hopeful and completely goofy.

"Truly?" she asked, simply.

"Shepard, you know that," he said, his dark brows drawing together as he smiled.

"It's still nice to hear it," she replied.

"Well," he shrugged. "There you go. Shepard, I don't know where this is going, but...I want to get this right."

Her smile just widened.

"Of course, I have no idea how the hell to do this," he told her.

"Me either," she admitted.

Kaidan laughed and shook his head. "This is priceless. Here you are, the woman who saved the galaxy..."

"Here _we_ are," she corrected, "the pair that saved the galaxy. With the help of a very talented team, I might add."

"Right," he nodded. "So here we are, saviors of the galaxy, trained Marines. We have how many medals between the two of us?"

Shepard counted on her fingers. "Six for me."

"I have four," he said. "So that's an even ten for the pair of us. We've been through a lot, have seen a lot of action..."

"...and we both have pretty shitty pasts," she added. "So we can take on just about any mission the Alliance asks of us..."

"...but we have absolutely no clue how to be in a romantic relationship," he finished. He stopped, struck by the weight of his own words.

"So we're in a romantic relationship, then?" she asked, her tone light.

"I don't know how romantic it's going to be," he admitted, "considering that we still have a galaxy to save – again."

"But we're more..." she stopped. "More than..."

"Yeah," he said. "I want to be more."

Her smile went straight to his heart.

"Okay then," she said, catching herself and feeling suddenly very foolish. "Look, I want - more, Kaidan, I do. But I also don't want to get you in trouble."

"Well, you said it yourself," he told her. "We can find...off-duty time."

"And when is that?" she asked.

"I dunno," he replied.

"Maybe at once of these ports..." she began, then broke off at the doubtful look in Kaidan's eyes. "Eventually," she promised him.

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes suddenly warming as he smiled. "Eventually..."

Shepard found herself growing warm under his gaze. "So, a follow-up to this conversation at an unspecified time and place?" she asked, her voice coming out a little breathless. "That sounds deliciously...unpredictable."

"It is," Kaidan agreed. "Sort of like the woman I'm falling for."

"You're falling for me?" She blinked. Well hell, if she hadn't been feeling like a teenage girl before, she sure was now.

"Yeah," he said, ducking his head. "I'm figuring that one out, too."

"Okay," she said softly. "Let me know how it goes for you. 'Cause I think I've already fallen for you."

Kaidan shook his head and lifted his eyes to meet hers. "You make this easier and harder on a guy, you know that?"

"How so?" she wanted to know.

"You tell me things like that, which makes me think that this is just too easy – that I found something this good and I'm having a hard time believing it. And then the whole regs thing makes it tricky because I know what you want, and I know what I want..." he shook his head. "We'll figure this out, but damn, Shepard, it's complicated."

"I don't usually like complicated," she told him. "I swear, I usually try to keep things as simple as possible."

"Yeah, me too," he replied. He paused for a moment. "But you're worth it, Shepard."

"I was about to say the same thing about you." She chuckled.

"Okay, enough with the mushy stuff," Kaidan said, straightening his shoulders. "We're Marines, here."

"We're also human," she told him.

"Yeah," he said, "I haven't felt human in a while, but you..." Kaidan pulled her close again and rested his head on her shoulder. "You bring me back to myself, Shepard. You make me feel... Well, hell. You make me _feel_."

"And just what do I make you feel?" she murmured into his ear.

"Warm," Kaidan said, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of her. "And horny."

Shepard laughed.

"It's true," he said. "Is that not okay?"

"It's perfectly okay. Well, not according to the book of regs, but according to the Book of Shepard, it's wonderful."

"There's a Book of Shepard?" Kaidan asked, pulling back to look at her. "Seriously? How come you never told me about this book? Would have made things a hell of a lot easier on me."

"I'm working on it," she said, fighting a laugh. "It's being penned as we speak. Part one: how Kaidan Alenko won over his commanding officer in spite of regs, her difficult personality, and a looming threat to the galaxy."

Kaidan grinned. "I think I'm going to like this story."

"Yeah," Shepard said, her grin equally mischievous. "As long as we're together, I think I'm going to like this story, too."

* * *

_Did you get that, Bioware? As long as Shepard and Kaidan are together, I will like WHATEVER STORY YOU GIVE ME FOR ME3! Anyone listening? Just...please? Them together again? Please? Alright, to be continued in Part 3 - as soon as I come up with a title for part 3. This story was getting so long and I had a different plan for chapter organization as soon as Shepard comes back. But never fear! I can't seem to stop writing and there will be more fluff, angst, and (hopefully) Joker being smart-assed soon to come. - sage_


End file.
